TITLE: DEMON MADE
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
I heard the demon before I saw him. It was the familiar sound of his heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, followed by low growls of frustration. What Margrad lacked in grace, he made up for in sheer brute strength. It still didn’t make him competent at kidnapping anyone, especially me.
I like this but I'm picturing more of a physical creature like an ogre instead of a demon. To me, demons are weightless and not cumbersome. Just my personal opinion. I still like the opening though :)
ReplyDeleteNice! I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI link the last line. Made me think. Good. The second line was a little distracting. Maybe shorten it and combine it with the first. (Just my humble opinion, though.)
ReplyDeleteLike it! A MC who can outsmart a demon is someone I'd hang out with for awhile.
ReplyDeleteSo why does he want to kidnap MC? I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteHooked! I am forming a good picture of Margrad and I want to know just why the narrator is so nonchalant about being stalked by this lumbering demon.
ReplyDeleteI like this very, very much. I love how you've gotten in so much info and voice without feeling like you're trying to. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with maybe combining the the first and second sentences, the whole thing feels slightly (only slightly) choppy to me. That said - I'm hooked, at least enough for another couple of pages.
ReplyDeleteGood Hook! I would not combine the first two sentences as some have suggested, but I would recommend you show rather than tell in the second sentence. Instead of "It was..." try "Heavy feet stumbled..."
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, but the first sentence is unnecessary and actually cuts the tension before it starts. The passive second sentence further dampens things. Just open with the sound, without what it comes from.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked.
The first sentence seems a bit familiar, but I love the last one! Kidnapped by demons, ohmy!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious enough to read more, but it felt a bit clunky as a single paragraph. Maybe try breaking it up?
ReplyDeleteHooked. Love the voice, and I'm curious why Margrad wat to kidnap her.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I like the MC's 'here we go again' attitude.
ReplyDeleteCute. I'm hooked. Nice conflict between what the reader expects of a demon and what is actually true of this one, plus the protagonist has an engaging voice.
ReplyDeletehooked. I want to know why the demon is after the character and I want to know more about the demon.
ReplyDeleteI'm half-hooked. I would read on to see what happens, but the writing itself doesn't quite pull me in. Maybe "I heard the demon before I saw him--the familiar sound of his heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, followed by low growls of frustration." It flows a bit better into the rest of it, for me.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. I like the idea of a clumsy demon and a kid who's confident in eluding it. The first sentence I feel is unnecessary. I would start off with "I heard the familiar sounds of the demon's heavy feet stumbling..." But good start, I would say.
ReplyDeleteNice. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, with a little tightening...
ReplyDeleteI heard the demon before I saw him -- heavy feet stumbling over tree roots, low growls of frustration. What Margrad lacked in grace, he made up for in brute strength. It still didn’t make him competent at kidnapping anyone. Especially me.