TITLE: The Night
GENRE: Epic YA Fantasy
Reaching for a half-used cake of lye, Aerael dragged her sleeves in the wash water. With a frustrated groan, she pushed them back up and tried again. The small, black stone that hung around her neck came free of its hiding place, casting its unearthly light over the basin.
I'm curious...I don't quite understand how the stone that hung around her neck is in a hiding place.
ReplyDeleteThis is a purely techincal comment. I assume she is reaching for a half cake of soap, rather than a half cake of lye. Pure lye is not found in cake form and would be eating holes in her skin at first touch. I make soap and you do not ever handle lye directly, nor is lye still present as a chemical in properly made soap.
ReplyDeleteThat said, It is otherwise and intriguing opening. You have me curious about a black stone that casts light, that would seem to be a contradiction and I want to know why.
This is all right, and I'd probably read on, but I'm not totally hooked. (Something about the mundaneness of hand-washing, maybe?)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. I assume the hiding place is beneath her blouse, as so many wear pendants even now. The visual of "its unearthly light" drew me in; I am a fantasy/scifi kind of girl, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked enough to read a few pages more. The biblical-angel-sounding name kind of threw me off though (unless all the names are like that).
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in what the stone does, but the set up to it drags. If the stone is important, start with it. That way I know it's important. Sort of hooked.
ReplyDeleteKind of hooked. It seems like this is pretty high fantasy, and I'm not into that. I thought the writing was strong, though.
ReplyDeleteLovely. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteYour opening intrigues me.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion: your sentences would be stronger without the clauses and the ING verbs. Play around with the text. Try to write without the clauses. Someone once dared me to do this with my own writing, so I'm passing it on to you.
very nice. I am hooked.
ReplyDeleteI really want to like this. I'm sympathetic toward the main character and the stone seems intriguing. It doesn't have any urgency to carry me on to whatever happens next though, and that's a problem for me. I'm almost hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, although the second sentence does begin to lure me in.
ReplyDeleteTo my mind, your first sentence just isn't doing enough work. I find it hard to care about someone grumpy doing a bit of washing up, but I could care about someone feeling upset over yet another small, crappy thing happening to them.
Try putting the reader deeper into Aereal's mind, so we're feeling her emotions, not just witnessing her actions.
I'm hooked enough to read on. But soap does seem rather mundane. I hope it gets more interesting fast.
ReplyDeleteSorta hooked. I would read on but I agree with Janet: I'd want something to break the things open pretty quick.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I think the problem for me is in the use of lye (see other comments) and that the stone part is at the end. I would like to have had that first.
ReplyDeleteMood is good, but details niggle.
Nothing's really happening yet. As I'm aware from my own entry, it may very well happen in the next sentence, but with these 50 I'm not hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. Sleeves implies she's reaching with both hands and that seems odd. Also the sentence structure makes it seems she's deliberately dragging them through the water. Again odd.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued about the stone and your description of what's going on is nicely visual.
Writing Cats--glad you caught the lye issue.
ReplyDeleteWashing isn't too exciting and I was about the give it up until I got to the black stone. So, I'd give it a few more pages.
There's something iffy about the writing here. Still, I'd probably read on for a hundred or so more words before making my decision.
ReplyDeleteI found it atmospheric and was immediately drawn in.
ReplyDelete