TITLE: DRAIN
GENRE: YA LITERARY PARANORMAL
The suitcase with the broken buckle rests between my legs on the bottom step of the brownstone. My whole life is held together by that one loose buckle I flick it back and forth, between my fingers, looking out over the rooftops on the other side of Twenty-First.
"Kat Atkins?" the social worker will ask me. But she'll already know, because right on the seat next to her is my file, and paper-clipped to the top of it is my school picture from Portland High. Sophomore year. Last fall.
My hair is different now. It's longer, and darker. All those highlights I got from walking around the city in summertime are gone.
Eleven. That's how many times I've moved in the last sixteen years.
Two. More years before I turn eighteen. Before I run out of time to find a family.
While I wait, I watch a gray cat with no collar bob along the cracked sidewalk. "Here, kitty," I tell him. He lifts his head. I hold out my hand, steady. The cat rests his warm, whiskery chin in my palm. But before I can scratch his back or pick him up, a wind stirs the budding maple trees across Twenty-First, and the cat rushes away.
I adore the imagery in the opening paragraph. The broken buckle and sitting on the steps... once again.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is nice, the flow is smooth, the characterisation is perfect, the mood is deeply sad, and I completely trust a great story follows on from this. I immediately trust you can pull it off.
The cat being spooked by the wind indicates all is not quite right with the world because we all know cats see the unseen.
I think you nailed the first 250 words! Well done.
I like this a lot despite the fact that not much happens. I like Kat already and feel for her. I'm very curious to see where the paranormal comes in.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
I agree that the voice is great here. Definately sad. I like the first paragraph. Her life held by one buckle on a suitcase. I think you could do a little more in the last paragraph as far as the menacing wind and the cat getting spooked. But overall, it is a solid beginning and I would definately keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, you really draw us into the life of this teen and how desperate she is to find a family and a normal life. The imagery helps provide a melancholy sort of mood, too.
ReplyDeleteGreat work!
Great writing, great imagery. You made me feel for the character and curious to know more. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOoh, this is well-written. One or two awkward moments, but otherwise exquisite. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love it.
ReplyDeleteMORE, MORE!
This is exactly my kind of thing. Loved the writing. I only had one nitpick this: "My whole life is held together by that one loose buckle I flick it back and forth, between my fingers, looking out over the rooftops on the other side of Twenty-First" felt a bit like a run-on sentence. It might be better off separated into "My whole life is held together by that one loose buckle. I flick..."
ReplyDeleteI would most DEFINITELY read on, here :D
I like this very much. The voice especially.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot; nice imagery and mood. One thing that confused me is how she could be looking out "over the rooftops" when she is sitting near the bottom step of a brownstone across the street.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. I felt her sadness. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked this and would read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked! For everything Macdibble said and more. There's voice, tone, mood,clarity. All I'd suggest is a bit of transition between parg 3-4. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely interested. What happens?!
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteThe best I've read so far. Great job.
ReplyDelete