TITLE: Claimed
GENRE: YA
I don't really know why you think hearing about Him from me will help you. If you want me to write everything I remember about my time at The Home, I can, but don't expect any big revelations. In some ways, you probably know more about Him than I do.
The second person POV is interesting. I would keep reading to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing... I'd read a little further...
ReplyDeleteHim capitalized refers to God. If you are trying to emphasize it, I'd use italics. This capitalization threw me and kept me from being hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. But, yeah, wondering if "Him" is God or who the MC is referring to...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but not hooked. These are the thoughts of someone grumpy, disinterested, and slightly hostile to their listener. That's not a bad thing, but because the main character hasn't said anything intriguing yet, I don't feel any curiosity to listen to them further. You need to convince the reader this person is about to say something the reader wants to hear.
ReplyDeleteAnother quibble I have is that capitalizing Him and The Home gives me the impression of incomplete world-building--like these terms are place-holders you've stuck on until a better descriptive phrase occurs to you. They're just such generic words.
Interesting to be writing it like an exchange between two friends. Thought "Him" meant God, then when you referred to "The Home" I didn't think you meant heaven. So, I'm intrigued. Would give it a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I like the voice and would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHooked!!!
ReplyDelete'Him' is God generally and I don't think that's where you're going.
ReplyDeleteIf this slips into backstory or flashback, you'll lose me quickly unless that's got a strong hook in the first few lines.
I'm interested, but I don't really know what's going on. I'd read another page or so and if I didn't understand by then I'd stop.
ReplyDelete