RULE NUMBER ONE: If you're the first man through the door and you spot a chucklehead with a weapon: take 'em out. Shoot first, ask questions later. Literally. You may not like it, but that's the rule.
Not hooked. The genre says mainstream/literary and this doesn't read literary to me at all, it wouldn't be what I was expecting. It reads like commercial fiction or a thriller or even something humorous to me.
Yeah, I agree with H. Grant - the second colon in the first sentence would work better as a comma. Other than that, though, I liked this. (Although I agree with Amy Sue Nathan that this doesn't sound literary at all.)
Like it. Would definitely read more to see what kind of job has such a rule. I think not police officer, since the "Shoot first, ask later" does not work so well for them.
Love it! Your opening grabbed me because it's fun, to the point, and your prose is clean.
ReplyDeleteMy one suggestion: drop the second colon after weapon. You already have one after RULE NUMBER ONE: Two per sentence is too many.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice.
Not hooked. The genre says mainstream/literary and this doesn't read literary to me at all, it wouldn't be what I was expecting. It reads like commercial fiction or a thriller or even something humorous to me.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with H. Grant - the second colon in the first sentence would work better as a comma. Other than that, though, I liked this. (Although I agree with Amy Sue Nathan that this doesn't sound literary at all.)
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I love the voice, the situation, everything. I can't wait to see how this rule gets broken and what happens. Good luck
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about whether this is a zombie story. If so, I've seen too many stories begin with rules.
ReplyDeleteGood start. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeletepersonally, I like this. The wordiness could be reworked to tighten it up, but I'm hooked. I like nontraditional openings.
ReplyDeleteSorry not hooked. Not quite sure why though.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but I'd recommend taking out the ALL CAPS at the beginning. Your very fine prose makes the title "RULE NUMBER ONE" redundant.
ReplyDelete"You may not like it, but that's the rule" is so much more effective than the ALL CAPS, plus it's less intrusive to the reading experience.
I like it! Your voice is clear, the writing is solid, and I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteLike it. Would definitely read more to see what kind of job has such a rule. I think not police officer, since the "Shoot first, ask later" does not work so well for them.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and tone. A bit wordy for me, but that might be the style.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't seem like my cup of tea though.
Like it--would read on; however, does the rule actually say that entire thing or does the MC's voice take over half way through?
ReplyDelete