TITLE: Going Home
GENRE: Suspense
The fire burned itself out by dawn. A few men picked through the remains of the house, kicking over the rubble. On the prairie, a fire like this could easily sweep through town, blanketing the buildings. The men worked in tandem, flushing and extinguishing the last embers.
Very visual, but I felt like I was thrown around...like the fourth sentence should actually follow the second one.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused. It sounded like the fire was already out and then there was concern for it sweeping across town and the men putting it out.
ReplyDeleteGood imagery though.
The story is forming, but I didn't feel pulled in. It is similar to watching an unfortunate scene on the news in which no one was hurt.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the feel of suspense from this first paragraph, but I did like the visuals. Prairie, fire, rubble, etc, were words that drew me in. I would read on to see how you continued.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested, but maybe the second and fourth sentences could go better together, the third sentence might be best as the last. Also, the 'in tandem' confused me, because it technically means one right after the other, like in some sort of assembly line.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if the fire could have swept through the town, why did they let it burn itself out? Seems a little silly to me, if at any moment the prairie could catch fire.
HOWEVER, I liked it, and would read more. :D
Hmm, this opener seems the opposite of suspense. Good writing, but I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea/image, but the words feel awkward. Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Jean about the nice imagery. I'd keep rading.
ReplyDeleteGood visuals. The idea of the fire sweeping through town threw me when we went quickly back to the present action. Had to read it again to figure out what went where timewise.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Not hooked. It's nice writing, but all the exciting stuff seems to be over. What's to make me keep reading this story?
ReplyDeleteIf you left out the second sentence, which is "telling", not "showing", and put something intriguing in very soon after the two sentences that remain, I think this opening could work.