TITLE: Azrael's Curse
GENRE: Science Fantasy
"You've been here everyday for a week, mate," the shopkeep said.
"Good stew." Sam kept his face carefully shadowed. He had thought he could say it with a straight face.
"You waiting for someone?"
Sam said nothing, just slurped his stew.
Think this would be more effective if you started with:
ReplyDelete"You waiting for someone?"
I'd give it a few more paragraphs to see if it picks up. Sam appears to have a sense of humor or at least a sense of irony and I like that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with fictionwriter. The last two sentences would be a great start and the first four could be worked in later.
ReplyDeleteYuppers, I'd like it better if it started with the third line also. 'the shopkeep said' just seems to ruin the flow, and there's this little voice in the back of my head going, "Why couldn't it be shopkeepER?" Not that you should listen to the voice in the back of my head, necessarily. :D
ReplyDeleteNot much happening. The genre suggsets there's potential, but based on these 50 words, I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeletenot hooked. Seems to be a lot of words not telling me anything important.
ReplyDeleteI think it is "every day" and not "everyday". I'm not sure why he's trying to keep a straight face. Is the stew that gross?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, though with the title and genre, I should be.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about scraping the first three sentences. And why would he have trouble saying "Good stew" with a straight face? Slurping his stew threw me also. That is something you'd have to do on purpose, since stew is not very, um , slurpable.
I'm confused, so not hooked. Why would Sam hide his face if he thought he could say it with a straight face? Seems like there's a missing word or a logic issue. Or maybe it's an issue with when he thought what.
ReplyDeleteAnd not sure how he can shadow his face as I have no description to hang that hat on.
I like these exchanges in the order you have them. You show Sam lying, then you hint at the reason for it. Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYou've set up a nice tension between what the shopkeeper wants (an explanation) and what Sam wants (secrecy.) I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete