TITLE: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Friendship
GENRE: MG Contemporary
Annie waited until her mom buried herself in the bills before sneaking the phone into the hall closet. She pushed aside her sister's faux fur parka and speed-dialed "7." She let it ring once then hung up and called again. Their secret code. It rang twice before Jason answered.
Liked it. Would read more. The faux fur coat was a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely hooked, and I love your title. I wish I could say more, but I'd really just prefer to keep reading more. :)
ReplyDeleteHooked. I want to read more--and not just because I remember using that same code with my best friend in the pre-cell phone, pre-caller i.d. era.
ReplyDeleteInteresting title, though that actually would probably push me away from the book.
Good hook!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Want to hear their conversation. And the title is great. Liked the coat reference.
ReplyDeleteI'm puzzled. If this is a call she has to make in secret, why is the number on speed dial? Is this her phone or the family phone? Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the secret code. If this is contemporary, though, I'm not sure the kid wouldn't have her own phone. And if it's a house phone, do they have speed dial? Not sure.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Not my style. Subjective taste says not hooked, but the writing and the title are good.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing and the title is cute. Based on that I would give it a paragraph or two more, even though it's not my style.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteSomewhat hooked. I'm curious about what happens next, but I think some of the sentences should to be shorter. This just didn't read well, to me. Shorter sentences would help imply the protagonist's emotional tension, too, i.e. her furtiveness and (presumably) nervousness.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read more. I like the sneaking and the details. I love the title.
ReplyDeleteLike it. Good, solid set-up; the action is clear, but there's a mystery: why is she calling him, and why does it need to be a secret?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would change is one of those first two sentences. They're both kind of a mouthful. Read it out loud, and it's not quite as smooth as I'd want at the beginning. Maybe break the first one into two?