TITLE: The Voice of Asheva
GENRE: Fantasy
The judge attempted to continue proceedings and found himself unable. It wasn’t that the room was stifling, despite this cold spring, nor was it that the sunlight streaming in from the windows made his head pound. No, it was the sheer absurdity of the thing; the prince was on trial.
Hooked. The last sentence pulled me in.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. "Despite this cold spring" threw me. I think it should be "despite the cold spring." Prince on trial is good, but getting to that bit of info was too labor intensive.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why... but this hooked me. I definitely liked the last sentence, but some of these didn't even pull me in far enough to read the whole thing, so you've got something right from the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like the last sentence and emphasis on the word "prince." If that were moved to the very beginning, I would be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. But I agree with M.T. Murphy. "The prince was on trial" should be the opening sentence. It's a great hook. The rest was filler, and rather superfluous.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others - get rid of the first sentence. The last sentence is what hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI like the current sentence order. Yes, the prince is the hook, and yes, that's what got me interested. But I like that you've rooted us clearly in a character's POV to tell us about it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the first two sentences could be punchier... maybe they're fine the way they are. Either way, I think I'd be willing to read through them to get to the third sentence hook.
Hooked, pretty much. Might not have been if it took 55 words to get to "The prince was on trial" instead of 45.
ReplyDeleteHooked. The progression of sentences built up to a killer sentence. I can really feel the environment. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteGot a little lost in the second sentence, but I love the last sentence!
ReplyDeleteIs the judge the MC? Doesn't seem likely and that's throwing me.
ReplyDeleteNot enough here for me to go on and yet it's as much as I often give a book before deciding to buy it or not. So I'll have to say Not Hooked.
Not hooked, although the last line almost did it for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's all a bit too wordy; the sentences seem convoluted. I think if you streamlined this paragraph, it would be very effective.
I'm curious, so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete