TITLE: Lily of the Lamplight
GENRE: YA Contemporary
I watched her fall -- my heroine. She lay in the snow, in a cone of lamplight. The Nazi assassins caught her before she could reach the ammo pack around the side of the stone wall. Her trench coat rested over her like a shroud, blood seeping into the snow. And the screen stuck. I hit the
controller over and over. Nothing. She just lay there, and I couldn't start over.
"Dude, we gotta get moving or we'll miss the cattle call," Max said.
My eyes rose from the computer monitor to the window above my desk.
"What?" I called back to him as I stood. My eyes were fixed on the woman right outside my window, lying on her back on the cobblestone street. Just like my heroine.
"I said move it or I'm leaving without you! Did the game crash again?"
"Yeah,"I replied, automatically.
She lay there for a moment where she fell, tripped, carrying her coffee cup. Her grey trench coat, perfectly appropriate for a drizzly Seattle summer, lay spread around her. Her coffee dripped down the sidewalk. I felt an urgency to do what, rescue her? From the Nazis or from the cruel cobblestones I wasn't sure.
"Yeah, it did," I answered again. Same place too, where she gets killed by the assassins just before the safe house. I turned from the window, grabbed the coat that was slung over our corduroy sofa and hurried toward the door.
Hmm. I would read on, but I have to admit that I am confused - so, he's playing a game, and there is a woman on the cobblestones outside of his house that looks exactly the same, and this is a YA contemporary? There's a disjoint, and I'm not sure whether that's just me or if it's the writing.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm curious. I like this kid right off the bat.
This one I'm not sure about. I don't like it starting in the game. While it's only a paragraph, I feel like I got cheated when that WASN'T what the story was really about. I will admit the parallel with the real world was intriguing, so I'd probably keep reading a bit. Not sure how far though.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will say, the genre being YA contemporary threw me too. This reads like something more sci-fi or fantasy. Either that or the parallel isn't as important as it seems. *shrug*
Oooh... a bit of a cyberpunk mood. I love that. Hoping that there are wonderful technical reasons for the woman outside imitating the game heroine.
ReplyDeleteDialogue is nice, a couple of sentences need a bit of a change, but it flows very well and is easy to follow.
Para one seems to describe the heroine face down, as I imagine the trench coat which opens at the front has spread open, shroud-like, but the woman outside the window is lying on her back. Should they be the same?
I think the obvious student house plus gamer set up and most certainly the corduroy sofa add to the cyber punk mood. Like the trenchies and cobblestones and lamplight too. A different kind of mood inside the game... and in the street.
Also like his sudden urge to rescue the woman. We know he's going to have to rescue someone... very soon! Nice work.
I didn't mind starting in the game. I felt like the transition worked for me and I liked the contrast between how the narrator felt about the girl in the game and the woman in the street.
ReplyDeleteI guess if anything I would say that the build up is kind of slow here. Even though the narrator (I feel like it's a "he") says they felt an urgency, I didn't really get that.
I think this is well-written and would read on mainly for that reason. I hope that things pick up once the narrator gets to the woman in the street.
I am imagining this as a sort of "secret life of walter mitty" situation. I personally love "secret life of walter mitty" - so I would keep reading for sure to see if I am right about that.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest you pick up the pace, though - it sounds like he was playing a very slow game.
I'm interested in the parallel between the game and this character's real life, so I'd read on for sure. That said, I did have to reread a few sections, as I was tripped up on some of your turns of phrase. In particular... "I felt an urgency to do what, rescue her?" Something just seemed a bit awkward and clunky there.
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting, but I was a bit disappointed at first when I realized it was the game in the beginning. And for some reason I thought the gamer was a female. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteBut then when the reality happens right outside the window - whoa, that was awesome.
Good luck.
If this was fantasy or sci-fi, I'd definitely read on. I'm seeing a connection between the video game and the woman who fell outside, and I can see all kinds of possibilities for how this might play out.
ReplyDeleteBut it's contemporary, and I just can't figure out where this opening might take me. The writing is good, so I'd read more to see, but if you didn't hook me within the next page or so, I'd move on to something else.
It might make it more clear to everyone that the MC is playing a game if you used the term "avatar" instead of heroine. Most gamers will recognize the term, and so it might set it up better in the very beginning.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was interesting, though. Made me want to read on to see what the connection was between the game and the MC's life.
I, too, felt cheated when I realized the first paragraph was a game--and disoriented. A picky thing: the heroine in the game lay with her trench coat over her, which to me implies face down, whereas the woman in reality is on her back, with her coat spread around her. It's not necessary for the two to parallel each other exactly, but I think it would be stronger that way.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to have some idea who Max is. But with the parallel between reality and the game, I'm definitely interested.
I like the writing style, but I'm confused. This is contemporary, but then there are Nazis and a Seattle drizzle.
ReplyDeleteThe character captured me though, so I'd probably read on.
I would read on. The character comes off as a little slow on the uptake- being so lost in their game that they're a bit detached from real life. But it also makes the reader feel a little detached. That said- I would read on to find out more about him/her. (I thought it was a 'her' but the other comments threw me)
ReplyDelete