TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: MG
Roasting marshmallows over a Bunsen burner was harder than it sounded. Garrett Thomas tossed his backpack to the floor and slid a bag of marshmallows across the table to his four closest friends.
“I’ll fire up the burner." Garrett placed one hand on the gas. "Wyatt, you close the shades."
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! The only comment I have is about the "one hand on the gas." I would put a word like "knob" or something after gas.
Otherwise, awesome.
Kim
I'm hooked. It sets up a great voice for MG. Very authentic. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteVery interested. It seems like they're going to do something worse than roast marshmallows if they have to close the shades. I want to know what.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, although I see the potential to make this into a very engaging scene indeed.
ReplyDeleteI think the piece would be more very intriguing if it were clear this scene had some stakes, i.e. are they likely to get caught and be in trouble? Might they start a fire? Could they hurt themselves?
If the reader sees danger lurking ahead (regardless of whether the characters do), that will hook them into the story much more effectively than a simple scene of friendship. This has promise; I think you just need to add a little more zip to it.
The first sentence seems a little off with the rest. Maybe just delete it and start there. And "four closest friends" is rather distant and impersonal, especially for MG. Maybe just cut it off after "table", as I'm sure it is implied that his friends are there in the following text. Also, unless it's really important to the story, I'd change either "Garrett" or "Wyatt", to eliminate any potential confusion between the two. Not really hooked, but would probably give it a chance for a few more lines.
ReplyDeleteHey, never thought about the Garrett-Wyatt sound-alike...they could be brothers, I guess. The inherent humor is what grabs me here. That and the need for good solid boy stories!
ReplyDeleteYou start with the roasting marshmallows and back track to actually setting things up to roast them. That being said, I'm interested and would read a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI loved it!
ReplyDeleteHooked - love it. :) I always wanted to do that in chem class. :)
ReplyDeleteHm. I first thought they were already roasting away and having issues. Then we get the lead up to roasting and, I'm assuming, the issues.
ReplyDeleteIt's a fun start. I'd read more to see where this is going.
Hooked. I love the image of marshmallows over the burner, and the impending trouble that is coming...especially for middle grade.
ReplyDelete