TITLE: Haven
GENRE: YA
My father's face exploded with fury. I'd seen that look on his face a few times, mostly within the last few months, but never directed at me. I took a protective step in front of my crying mother. In the background I could see my brothers. Juan Carlo's face echoed Dad's, anger blazing from
his eyes as his fists clinched at his sides. Thomas was confused and horrified. He moved to place himself between Dad and me, turning his head to look at each of us as he tried to assess what to do.
"Family is everything!" my father shouted, "Especially now! You would abandon us when we need you the most?"
"Johnny," my mother said, fighting to control her emotion and using the nickname that had before now made him smile, "We're not abandoning you. Please come with us. It's no longer safe here." Her heartbreak was evident in her voice. She was barely holding it together.
Stay strong, Mom, I thought urgently. We knew this would be hard.
Gunshots sounded outside, as if emphasizing her point. They were farther away from the house now. The immediate danger of the assault was past. The real danger stood just five feet away. My heart constricted.
This was my hero, the man I had worshipped since I was born, staring at me with murder in his eyes. A shiver passed along my spine.
"Dad, this is wrong. We all know it is. And it's going to kill us. I have to keep her safe!"
This was interesting. I couldn't quite get a sense of what type of story this is. Contemporary YA or something else. I would say I'm almost hooked, almost because I don't feel like I got enough of an understanding of what's going on here. What started out seeming like an domestic abuse story turned into something else. I think the urgency of their needing to leave needs to come sooner. Maybe they can hear the gunfire earlier and the narrator can think about how it's unsafe while trying to convince the father.
ReplyDeleteAlso, because it's your first sentence and I know nothing of the world yet, I first thought you meant the father's face literally exploded and the visual that went with that was gross, but cool, and I imagine, not what you were going for at all.
I'm with Valerie. I'm not 100% sure what kind of story this is, but my mind went to domestic abuse at first too, and it was a turn-off for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little unclear why, if the dad wants them to stay and "family is everything", he has murder in his eyes near the end of the passage.
The writing here was what held me back from being hooked. The opening is interesting but it doesn't capture the fear or confusion you're mentioning.
ReplyDeleteMom's fighting to control her emotion. Her heartbreak was evident in her voice. She was barely holding it together. My father's face exploded with fury.
Almost everything is told to us. I'm not feeling any anger or fury, or any heartbreak or fear. Showing the scene could make a big difference in how this comes across.
I'm confused rather than intrigued. Even the names are a bit confusing: a family with a father named Johnny and sons named Juan Carlo and Thomas? Not that it's impossible or even improbable, it's just another confusing thing to hit us with.
ReplyDeleteI think this needs a bit of sorting out, but you may have a good story here.
His face "exploded with fury"? Really? Is exploded the word you want here? This sort of language, long with cliches like "murder in his eyes" and "shiver down the spine" make me a bit wary about continuing.
ReplyDeleteThat and the fact that I am not sure what is going on. At first I assumed that the father was beating the mother and the son was stepping in the middle to stop him - but then why would the other brother be angry at the mom? How many people are in this room? Who is shooting? Why?
These may well be dumb questions to you, but the fact is, your audience isn't living inside your mind. We have no idea what is going on, this is an all-new world, so you have to be gentle with us. Especially when your audience is kids, or literary agents, who often have short attention spans.
I guess I would keep reading just to see if this is going somewhere. I do tend to think that you've probably started the story in the wrong place, however.
When telling a story so far from what readers have probably experienced themselves, I think we need a little more explanation up front. It's also confusing to meet so many people so quickly.
ReplyDeleteI think you've been told to open with drama, right in the middle of things. But drama can be one person looking into another person's eyes.
Why don't you open wiht the main character and his mom talking together, deciding that they have to leave?
I would read on for now because of the obvious tension going on inside and outside the house (or wherever they are). No idea what is really going on, and I'd like to know a bit more, but in 250 words, I suppose it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI don't love "thought urgently", but that's my bug-a-boo.