TITLE: THE MALL FAIRIES
GENRE: YA fantasy
Swoop hovered an inch from the top shelf, wings vibrating to keep her in place. She peered at the bottle labels in the dim night security lights of the Everything For A Little Over A Buck store. If Swoop could carry the biggest bottle, she'd be set. No one would ever know her secret. Once she
became Flight Instructor instead of Clan Chieftain, it wouldn't matter if they did.
And no one would ever know she'd broken curfew. She, Swoop, who never broke the laws. Breaking the laws meant her wings might never Turn Color. Breaking the laws meant the fairies might have to leave the mall. Breaking the laws meant fairies died.
Stupid new curfew, Swoop muttered under her breath, isn't a real law. And way too early.
She pushed aside a hideous orange food dye bottle and behind. "That one."
"Yes." A lovely forest green and a big enough bottle, she could use the dye for weeks. She reached for it when she heard the faint strains of We Wish You A Merry Christmas.
The carousel in the Christmas Fairyland store must be on. Why? It was late. The stores were all closed.
Swoop grabbed the bottle and gave one great beat of her wings when a brilliant light flared into her eyes. She dropped it. It shattered with a green-end-of-dreams crash.
"What is that thing?" Officer Bob yelled.
Swoop yipped. Old Officer Bob. The human mall security, he shouldn't be here, not now.
This was weird for me. The problem is, if I picked it up in the YA section, I'd put it back. It's too cute, too playful, IMO for that age group.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if I was picking it up as a middle grade in a couple years for my daughter? With some work put in to amp up the voice (and clarify some missing word issues), I'd probably keep reading.
It just seems way too young for YA to me.
Ditto Selestial.
ReplyDeleteIt does feel more tween, than teen, but I don't know where it's headed. I like the idea of a fairy with a curfew. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, with some reservations. It does seem a little young - too cute, maybe? - for YA. And some of the phrasing is a little awkward. But I like the title, the idea of fairies in a modern setting. I'm curious enough about why this fairy would be breaking curfew when she doesn't normally break rules, that I would keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteI liked the title, loved her name, and enjoyed the begining paragraph, but it did seem to falter as I read on.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem much younger than YA, and missing words, incorrect grammar, so-so sentence structure all took away my enthusiasm for this.
Perhaps consider a bit of revision with clarity in mind?
I agree it feels middle grade. I liked it and was intrigued by the title and premise; however, the second line was awkward- too much info, too many long descriptions in one sentence. Just say "dim security lights"- we'll know security and dim means night. Or say dim night lights. And the store name is a mouthful.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph was a little odd for internal monologue- things she should know but is telling herself. Again it was too much info and broke the flow of the action. I think I'd go straight from "never broke the laws" to "Stupid new curfew." Try and put all that other info somewhere else.
But the rest read well. Tighten it up so readers get to that good stuff. Good luck.
This is cute for a middle grade (or "tween") book, but it does not feel YA to me at all.
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody for the fantastic comments--and you all put your fingers right on the crux of my difficulty with: is this YA or is it middle grade? When I wrote this, I was thinking it was tween or young YA, with those level of issues (some drug use, etc.). I may need to "age" the voice or look at tweaking and editing for tween or middle grade.
ReplyDeleteAgain, my thanks! Very helpful.
I was cofused by the part that said breaking curfew would mean her wings would never turn color, they'd have to leave the mall, and fairies would die. She seemed a bit flippant for something that could result in the death of her race.
ReplyDelete