Wednesday, April 14, 2010

April Secret Agent Contest #21

TITLE: In Times of Violence
GENRE: YA Motorcycle fiction


"Yeah, let's finish the b****," she said getting up.

I stood up and faced them, bracing myself for what I thought would be the finale. Blood was dripping down my face, and the headache I was suffering from, had to be the worst I'd ever experienced. My vision was clouded and fuzzy, and I felt sick.

The three of them were in front of me, waiting to finish the onslaught. I wasn't going to make it. Nevertheless, I was going down fighting.

I tried to hit at them only my fist didn't connect to the target, and I punched the air. I roughly made out their shapes and shadows, but couldn't focus on them properly, not that it mattered then. They shoved me against the wall and pinned up my arms. I struggled, but my movements made no difference. Monica's shadow descended upon me. I only felt her first few punches.

Reaching my pain barrier, my body became numb; too weak to register any more pain. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I hoped it was sooner rather than later.

Eventually, she stopped. They let go of my arms, and I collapsed to the ground, only the battering continued. The three of them kicked me; every strike hit its mark. I lay helpless, sensing what was happening to me. However, physically, I was unable to feel anything.

9 comments:

Krista V. said...

Not hooked. I found the violence - so much of it, and so soon - off-putting. I don't really know our narrator yet, so while her determination to go down fighting is admirable, I'm having a hard time connecting with her pain.

Also, there were a few rough patches in the writing: "Blood was dripping down my face, and the headache I was suffering from, had to be the worst I'd ever experienced" (awkward phrasing). "I tried to hit at them only my fist didn't connect to the target, and I punched the air" (missing comma between "them" and "only").

Finally, I'd call this YA contemporary, as YA motorcycle fiction isn't an official genre.

Ant said...

I'm not hooked, and mostly it's because I have no idea who this MC is, and I'm not sure I should care about her yet. While you certainly have a way of writing a descriptive passage about girls fighting, I'm having a hard time feeling connected to the story.

PaulaK said...

Umm, I think you may have an intriguing idea here, but the writing needs to be streamlined some. "Reaching my pain barrier, my body became numb; too weak to register any more pain" is redundant. Don't connect the dots for the reader by stating the obvious. This is reading like a first draft where you are just getting your thoughts down. Keep working on it!

inkspatters said...

I agree with PaulaK about some of the writing needing to be streamlined, and with other posters about maybe not beginning with this sort of situation when we can't fully empathise with your character (I didn't really have a problem with the violence, though - if it were in a later scene, I think it'd work really well).

But this seems interesting. I'd probably read on for a few pages :)

doodlewithme said...

Sorry, I'm not hooked. I found there to be too much violence, and I'm not invested enough in the characters to have any emotion towards the violence, which just makes me feel uncomfortable.

Barbara said...

I'm not hooked, but I don't think it has too much violence. I think the problem with the opening is that you don't have enough. Not that there should be a lot more. It just should be described like a fight. If your getting your ass kicked, you don't think the way you've written the scene.

Would she really think - the headache I'm suffering from is the worst I've ever had? Or would she be thinking - God get me out of here. Oh, my head. Make it as real as possible.

Sara J. Henry said...

Main character gets beat up - that's all that happens here. We don't know why; we don't yet care about the main character; we're just watching someone we know nothing about get beaten.

I think you may have started in the wrong place.

Secret Agent said...

I don't care. Make me care first, THEN beat the character up.

Also, I probably wouldn't curse on the first page.

Also, there isn't such a genre as "YA motorcycle fiction."

Erica75 said...

Here's what caught me - worst headache ever, felt sick, going down fighting, can't see, struggles, reaches pain barrier, loses consciousness, collapsed, can't feel anything. All in a very short time span. Way too much. Interesting premise for a YA, though.