Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #14

TITLE: Holy a Witch
GENRE: Paranormal Fantasy


So, I broke his nose.

Well, to be honest, it was a lucky blow; I was aiming for the jaw. No regrets, he deserved it. Groping is part of being a waitress, I know. Greet, smile pleasantly, bring menus, get groped, serve the meal, bring the bill, get a tip. But he went too far.

23 comments:

  1. Very hooked! I love the description of the job duties.

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  2. Well, between the first lines and the title, I want to read more. Is this a witch? If it is, it will be pretty interesting to see who this guy was dealing with and how she can get back at him.

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  3. Hooked. Very funny, clear character voice. Love the title.

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  4. Hooked! Great opening line. I love the "So" at the beginning. Jerks the reader into the scene before we even know what the scene is. Outstanding.

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  5. I really liked this, especially the first sentence. ";-)

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  6. Hooked. Your MC sounds witty, and this looks like it would be a fun read. I'd read on.

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  7. Hooked, hooked, hooked! I especially love that she has bad aim. LOL.

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  8. I love this! Especially that she aimed for the jaw and got the nose. That's really funny to me. :) The voice is fun, too.

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  9. I like the voice here a lot.

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  10. Great voice here. I'd read on.

    One small quibble: Calling this a paranormal fantasy is redundant. I'd go with paranormal romance (if that's what this is going to turn into), or urban fantasy (if there are more fantastical elements than romantic ones).

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  11. "Getting groped" is part of being a waitress. Otherwise she's going around and grabbing people's crotches. But I like your MC's style!

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  12. Hooked. That's quite a job description ;-)

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  13. Sorta hooked. It's a good voice. I might add get groped after serve the meal as well.

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  14. Oh, Man Alive! Hooked! And in the boat ready for the beer batter. Excellent beginning. Love the voice, the ‘list’ and how he went too far…really? Too far? Excellent.

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  15. Very nice. Not something I'd read though.

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  16. Very strong voice. Nice.

    I agree with the earlier comment about "Getting groped..." rather than "Groping..." to start that sentence. Even though you would have those two words in two consecutive sentences, in this case it would work to give emphasis as opposed to just being redundant.

    Even though this is not a genre I usually read, this just might hook me because I like your MC already.

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  17. Somewhat hooked. I found the second paragraph a bit too much "telling", and not enough "showing"--but it was charmingly done, so I'm not sure I'd call that a flaw. It did slow the pace of the story, however.

    This may just be a matter of personal taste; I didn't love the voice, so I wasn't drawn in. I don't think the piece was badly done, however.

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  18. I really liked this. My only comment, besides the groping/getting groped bit, is that "No regrets, he deserved it." should have a semi-colon or an em-dash, I believe. There's no conjunction to connect the clauses with a comma. Anyway, very hooked.

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  19. Hooked. You have voice and a great description. I can already picture a small town diner waitress serving her patrons. (Unless this is a waiter at The cheese cake factory downtown chicago...then you might want to change things.)

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