Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #6

TITLE: FATE
GENRE: YA Paranormal


Christian Lewis was violently wishing he could switch lives with any other sixteen year old alive. Excluding military brats, of course. His insides were pulling at him, daring him to go back into his family’s cramped little military-housing kitchen, and posting his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.

13 comments:

L.J. Boldyrev said...

I like this, but it has the "let me tell you a story syndrome". Change sentences like: His insides were pulling at him, daring him to go back into his family’s cramped little military-housing kitchen, and posting his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.

to this:
His insides pulled at him, daring him to go back inside and post his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.

You put it in the moment when you take out words like "were" and "was". And we don't need to know it's military housing just yet. Work in those details.

Claire said...

Intrigued. The exclusion of military brats was funny then I discovered he lived in military housing and I was curious. Would read more.

M.T. Murphy said...

I would have liked to see at least some foreshadowing of paranormal since that is the genre but it is still a good start. Semi-hooked.

MissV said...

Based on this alone, I don't know that I'd read on. (violently wishing bugged me).

I usually read the blurb on the back of the book, so if the premise is promising I would push forward...and I love a good paranormal so I'd probably invest in the first chapter.

Emay said...

Meh...I'm intrigued, but cautious. An adverb in the first sentence threw me. I don't know that this opening gives me enough interest to want to read on. A hint of what Christian's situation is would be nice. At this point I'm not sure if he's angry, upset, frustrated, ect. Too unclear.

Steve Hall said...

Not hooked. "violently wishing"--how does one wish violently? That put me off from the start. And...having lived in military housing, "cramped kitchen" was the opposite of what we had, so I couldn't relate there.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I disagree with Steve in the sense that one can't wish violently, but I also agree that it kind of interrupts the flow. Regardless, I'm hooked - mainly because it's a YA Paranormal with a military brat aspect.

Michelle said...

Not hooked. I had trouble with 'violently' wishing.

Melinda said...

The writing seems a little awkward to me. I think it's all the 'was/were ...ing' constructions.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Not hooked. Not sure I can pinpoint why though.

Seems good. Maybe not my thing. You have a lot of info packed in this beginning which is nice.

jjdebenedictis said...

Pretty good, although I have some reservations about the wording.

What you're doing well is establishing that the main character feels emotional tension and his life is out of balance. That lets the reader know there's a story coming. I would probably read on, except for the following quibbles:

The phrases "was ... wishing" and "were pulling" are less powerful than they should be. Try replacing that construction with "wished" and "pulled".

The word "alive" comes too soon after "lives", and sounds repetitious. You can simply delete "alive" to fix this.

Finally, you've got an error in grammar in the last sentence. It should be "and post his thoughts..."

Amanda the Aspiring said...

I agree with L.J. Boldyrev, and "violently wishing" just doesn't flow for me. Not really hooked, but I'd probably read on, especially with your first commenter's suggestions.

Mel said...

Not hooked. While I like, "Excluding military brats, of course." The first sentence didn't work (again "violently wishing"