Wednesday, February 12, 2014

First Two (MG Fiction) #4

TITLE: Olivia Boogieman
GENRE: MG Fantasy

My family is a bunch of monsters. I don’t mean to be mean but facts are facts and when I say my family is a bunch of monsters I don’t mean they do horrible things, they are literally monsters. My mommy is a mummy; her family comes from ancient Egypt. My dad is a werewolf and when I say werewolf I mean a hairy, scary, howl at the moon werewolf. I also have an older brother and younger sister. My brother is a shape shifter, meaning he can take the form of anything or anyone he wants to be. My sister is a scrawny little skeleton, all bones and nothing else. So you are probably wondering what I am, I am a girl, an ordinary, everyday normal girl. If you haven’t guessed it by now, my parents adopted me when I was a baby. My name is Olivia Boogieman.

To say the Boogieman family is a normal family would be a lie. Sure, we have a dog like every other family on the block but we also have a pet dragon living in our backyard. We didn’t start out wanting a dragon, he just followed my brother home from school one day and we kept him.

“Olivia come down for breakfast or you are going to be late for school again,” My mom shouts from the bottom of the stairs.

I just want to stay in bed, I hate school, and especially today, which is family day. Every year the family of students visit the school at Middlebury Middle School in Midtown Middleton, Wisconsin, (I know the name of my school is a tongue twister).

“Did you feed your dog?” My dad asks me.

“Yes,” I lie. I hate feeding the dog.

“Are you sure,” he asks me.

“Yeah, why?” I ask.

My dad points down at the dog gnawing on my sister’s shinbone. I will admit now that it was a mistake to get a dog when your sister is a skeleton but I really wanted one and after a month of begging and pleading my parents let me get Godzilla, a Chihuahua that is small in stature but giant in attitude.

“Feed your dog,” my dad growls at me.

I grumble as I get up, taking a can out of the refrigerator. I scoop a portion of wet food into Godzilla’s dish and fill his water bowl. I gag at the smell of the food.

“Come on Godzilla,” I call out. The dog continues to nibble on my sister. “Godzilla, now!” I shout.

My sister shakes her leg to get the dog off her but it is no use. The dog prefers bones to food.

“Godzilla, go,” my dad roars. His voice echoes throughout the house.

The dog’s tail slinks between his hind legs and he cowers off into the corner where he eats his food.

“If you can’t take care of your dog we will have to take him to the pound,” My dad says in a low growl.


  1. This was so cute and really funny! I loved every bit of it! No criticism, just want to say good luck. :)

  2. This one had me laughing right from the beginning.

    One suggestion. She says she wants to stay in bed. You don't move her from the bedroom to the kitchen. So when Dad points at the dog gnawing on her sister's leg, I wondered why everyone was in her bedroom.

    A simple solution would be to add a bit to dad's comment. For example, 'My dad asks me when I get to the kitchen.'

    Good job, giggle.

  3. This is cute and funny and has a lot of potential for various kinds of hilarious drama. The hint we get of that here is family day. But I'd like a bit more hint of plot and somehow deeper characterizations even though I recognize it's farcical.

  4. Interesting concept that should appeal to MG readers, but could use some editing and tightening.

    You used "mean" three times and "when I say" twice (and "to say" once). A little repetition goes a long way.

    Some punctuation and word choice problems: Contractions sound more natural.// Shape-shifter has a hyphen. // Need a semi-colon: "...wanting a dragon; he just followed..." // Need comma after saying someone's name: "Olivia, come down..." // Need period: I just want to stay in bed. // The familIES of students" // Dad "growls" twice.// Don't need "hind". (Can't slink tail behind front legs.)

    Example of tightening: Delete "Yeah, why?" I ask, and just have dad point after he says "Are you sure?" (which should have a question mark).

  5. Love this! Want to read it (would love to be a critique partner). There's definitely some punctuation, contractions and phrase tightening to work on, but the concept is fabulous. Godzilla chewing on her sister's leg is hysterical. Very much want to see how tough school is with a family like this and to know how the town views her family.

  6. I would live a Critique partner for this work. This is still a work in progress. I am about halfway complete with the rough draft.