TITLE: The Snow Lion
GENRE: MG Sci-Fi
Lena and her parents had left behind the vast fields of wheat, the rice paddies and endless citrus groves, where Grid-deaf Bhodi toiled with bent backs. They had passed the outer islands, dotted with villages and crowned with snow. Now at last, after six months away, their sail boat Florinal tacked across the wide bay that led into the heart of the City, closer with every puff of wind. Lena leaned out over the bow, her hair flying.
Houses and gardens, temples and shops gripped the rocky mountainsides, a brilliant tapestry in the late afternoon sunlight. Even at this distance she heard bells ringing and the rumble of wheels on the stone roads. Voices drifted across the water. On a dock, Grid workers unloaded bales of crimson silk from a barge and floated them effortlessly onto the back of a truck. Lena inhaled the aroma of spices and smoke and the rich, musky scent of human and animal life.
Lena looked back over her shoulder at her parents, but they weren’t looking at her. They were watching a black boat speeding toward them, slapping every wave, their faces expressionless. Lena studied the oncoming boat. Three men in orange tunics and black pants stood on the deck—King’s guards. It wasn’t a big secret that her parents hated the City guards. Lena did, too. Everyone did.
Now her parents were looking around casually as if they hadn’t even noticed the black ship and the guards. It cut close across their path, and her father flicked the rudder to put Florinal’s bow into its wake. As the King’s ship sped away, and Florinal rocked, his shoulders relaxed. Her mother allowed herself a quick grin. Left out of their silent exchange, Lena turned back to the front of the boat, annoyed, but she loved coming back to the City too much to stay mad.
The wind was now behind them. Lena let out the jib, and it billowed as if Florinal was pleased with herself for bringing them back. The white cliffs of Kushnay rose above her, laced with airy shops and tea gardens. Hot springs sent plumes of steam into the air. Lena watched bubbles rise from the sandy bottom until Florinal caught the current of the Blue Horn and turned south.
Minutes later they docked in their usual slip at Lindahl marina. Bags slung over their backs, they took the elevator to the top of the Netherine Cliffs. At the top, her parents pushed into the crowd, in a hurry, but Lena paused at a shop where little animal guardian charms were hanging–wind horses for luck, snow lions for joy, dragons for abundance, tigers for protection. She was stroking a little crystal snow lion, when an old woman in yellow robes grabbed her arm.
“The Dragon is coming again,” the old woman screamed into Lena's face. “He has been seen in the western skies. He is almost here.”
Her teeth were cracked and brown. Her breath stank. Lena tried to pull away but couldn’t break her grip.
I thought this was a great opening! There isn't a whole ton of action, but the world building is done so well that the little hints of what's to come keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteMy one critique is that from the opening paragraph, I thought that Lena was leaving home for the first time and never returning. Then in the fourth paragraph, it was confusing to hear that she'd been to the City before. I don't know if other readers would have the same assumption, but one or two words in the first paragraph to clarify the reason/purpose of her family's leaving (like, are the on an annual pilgrimage or trading trip? Or are they fleeing in exile forever?) might be helpful to set up expectations.
Loved this one. Wonderful world building.
ReplyDeleteI had a little problem understanding where home for her was, the place they left or the City. I think the problem is in the first sentence when it sounds like she is leaving home. Then two sentences later it says after six months away they are heading back to the heart of the City. Consider clarifying that a little bit.
It starts a little slow for me. I would have preferred more action. You are very descriptive and you do a wonderful job building you world.
ReplyDeleteSome really lovely imagery. I enjoyed reading, and my comments are purely about fine-tuning. In the first paragraph, I suggest taking your last sentence and making it your first. It's the most exciting and you immediately know your MC is traveling by boat. Then I would show us something about how she feels about going to the City. Make us feel it with her; the building excitement as she gets closer and closer.
ReplyDeleteI love the paragraphs about the parents trying to act casual as the King's Guards slide by and the parent's obvious relief after the guards pass.
When the old woman grabs Lena, what is Lena's immediate reaction? I'm not sure it would be that the woman is wearing yellow robes unless they flutter in her face or something. Did the woman's grasp hurt? Did her grasp startle Lena, or did she see the woman coming? I think just a touch here and there showing us what Lena feels at some of these key moments will bring your work some added depth.
Hope this little bit is helpful. I really enjoyed this. Best of luck to you.
Yes, great world-building - I definitely had a sense of Lena's physical environment, and also the sense of threat they all faced from the hierarchy, and then a dragon.
ReplyDeleteAdding a little more of what Lena's feels and senses would definitely add to this.
A tiny suggestion would be taking out the 'were looking' - making a strong sense... e.g. 'Now her parents looked around casually'
I really liked reading this beginning - and I want to read more! :)
This contains some fabulous descriptions and interesting world-building, but I didn't get any sense of an actual story until the very end when she meets the woman at the shop. Even the part with the city guard didn't hold any suspense for me because I felt like I was being told something quickly instead of experiencing it with the character and really being shown what it was like.
ReplyDeleteThe problem may simply be that your story starts in the wrong place. What if your story started here:
"Lena paused a a shop where little animal guardian charms were hanging–wind horses for luck, snow lions for joy, dragons for abundance, tigers for protection. She was stroking a little crystal snow lion, when an old woman in yellow robes grabbed her arm.
“The Dragon is coming again,” the old woman screamed into Lena's face. “He has been seen in the western skies. He is almost here.”
Her teeth were cracked and brown. Her breath stank. Lena tried to pull away but couldn’t break her grip."
The first sentence might need tweaking to ground the reader in some type of market or bizarre, but other than that, this beginning really works for me. We get right into a sense of action and especially conflict. You can catch us up with the world building as you go from here, and weave your beautiful descriptions around the story action.
Thanks everyone and Miss Snark's First Victim for hosting. These comments were very helpful.
ReplyDelete