TITLE: The Story of the Story of the Egg
GENRE: MG Adventure
“You’re a waddler,” Fin said. He bit into a punctuation biscuit and comma-shaped crumbs fell on top of his little sister. “I only waddle I’m carrying you. Mom only waddles when she carries you. So does Dad. And Grandma. You make people waddle.” He didn’t name Torus, because their older sister never had to carry the youngest around. “Baby waddler coming through.”
“Not a baby!” his baby sister scolded.
The paper bag crinkled in Fin’s paw and he looked in to see what was left of his lunch, as though looking would make what was left better. He’d already eaten the vocabulary fruit, a bunch of scarlet grape-like two- and three-letter words. He wanted melon, but Grandma Curtal said melons were too big for a little story like Fin, so he was stuck with grapes. Again. “Word-problem sweets or sentence sandwich?”
“Bub bub,” she answered.
They were a curious sight, even for the Stacks, the neighborhood where Fin’s family lived. At nearly three feet tall, Fin looked like an otter walking on his back legs. Except nearly all thirteen-year-olds he knew still looked like only one kind of creature, and he already had pale tiger stripes. His four-and-a-half-year-old sister, meanwhile, still hadn’t hatched from her pineapple-sized shell. She sat in a yolk-yellow harness over Fin’s brown belly, her egg a vivid cobalt blue, and Fin waddled as he carried her. It was humiliating. It was, in fact, the fourth most embarrassing thing about being him.
“I’m eating the sandwich,” he said with a sigh. It would be dry. Grandma Curtal always forgot to use the mustard Fin liked, and the word problems would get stuck in his teeth. They were never as good as they looked. Just gooey.
“I think it’s because she’s not done. Grandma Curtal. That’s why she forgets. Loose ends.” More crumbs fell on the Egg, periods and a question mark this time. Fin’s parents didn’t like their children talking about Grandma Curtal, so naturally Fin did, and they punished him for it even if it wasn’t his fault, which was completely unfair.
Grandma Curtal had a lynx’s head and a ferret body with cream-colored fur dotted with dark spots. Her teeth were white and her eyes were wild and pale. She always wore a poofy housedress and her hair was messy. Fin had once wondered out loud if she had a tail under her dress or if there were nothing but loose ends, maybe not even feet. Torus had slapped her paw to her forehead and their Mom had washed his mouth out with soap. It wasn’t polite to talk about stories with loose ends, especially not ones that weren’t even done yet. Even more especially when they were his grandmother’s age. She was like a grown-up Egg, which was a weird thought.
Fin and his whole family were stories, the same as everyone else in Story City. His father was a boring old Biography, his dull gray raccoon head perched atop his stocky, tan pine marten body.
This was very unique and took me a while to puzzle out, but I really like the idea of personified stories.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there's a lot going on, and a lot of new concepts being introduced all at once. It's a bit overwhelming. Part of the trouble I had was that the first paragraph is very confusing and there are a typos/punctuation errors in there that make it even more difficult to understand. I think that if you could start during some action and ease into the explanations, it would help.
I also don't know if kids would understand the concept of a "loose end" of a story equaling no feet. I do think they'd like the idea of food made out of words...that was my favorite part.
This is certainly unique. It took me a while to get into the groove, but then I liked it.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, consider a few changes.
o Consider starting with the paragraph 'They were a curious sight.' This paragraph very nicely sets up the story to come. It helps the reader understand the dialogue. Then have the conversation with the egg. Then lunch.
o Consider moving the description of Grandma Curtal to the point where she comes into the story.
o Ditto the description of the rest of the family.
o That would leave room to get more into the story and the story problem.
Very different and interesting.
Wow, this is unique and interesting. I love the idea of word and punctuation food and wanted to know more about it and why they ate it.
ReplyDeleteI also found the other concepts introduced here very interesting, but it seemed like way too many new and different ideas were introduced very quickly. I had a really hard time following this in places (plus some grammar issues and long sentences didn't help).
I realized as I was trying to puzzle some of this out that we were 500 words into the story and I didn't really have much feel for your main character and what made him tick. Plus, there is very little actual story action.
Maybe try to spend some more time in the story action, establishing your character before introducing some of these concepts. Maybe the stuff about Grandma being an unfinished story doesn't need to come yet? Also, maybe changing the order a little would help reduce some of the initial confusion. If I already knew they were "stories" who lived in Storyville, maybe the idea of punctutation fruit would be easier to grasp right away and be even more enjoyable.
Ditto the comments above. I guess I'm slow, but I didn't quite get all the references. Didn't understand why the stories were animals. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of the comments. Especially too much info at once. It took me a while to get if they were actually stories and eating food made of words/puncuations or if they were metaphors. Then describing them like animals threw me.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, I don't think I could connect with the MC because of the info dump. I know more about others in his life than him. Maybe starting at the wrong point?
I think the concept for this piece is quite interesting. I especially liked the turn of phrases such as, "Word problem sweets or sentence sandwich." I'm also intrigued by Grandma Curtal. She seems like quite the character.
ReplyDeleteNow let's talk about some of the things that need some work.
CHARACTER
After reading this excerpt I'm not sure what type of "creatures" we are dealing with. At first I thought the characters were human, but then I found out Grandma had a lynx head and ferret body. I think you need to establish in the first paragraph or so what these characters are.
WORLD BUILDING
As I mentioned earlier I think you've got a unique concept with some interesting turn of phrases, but unfortunately I'm unable to grasp what this world is that you're trying to create. I had to read over things a couple of times and was still left confused. I think a second look at this aspect of the story will help strengthen the beginning.
I think the concept for this piece is quite interesting. I especially liked the turn of phrases such as, "Word problem sweets or sentence sandwich." I'm also intrigued by Grandma Curtal. She seems like quite the character.
ReplyDeleteNow let's talk about some of the things that need some work.
CHARACTER
After reading this excerpt I'm not sure what type of "creatures" we are dealing with. At first I thought the characters were human, but then I found out Grandma had a lynx head and ferret body. I think you need to establish in the first paragraph or so what these characters are.
WORLD BUILDING
As I mentioned earlier I think you've got a unique concept with some interesting turn of phrases, but unfortunately I'm unable to grasp what this world is that you're trying to create. I had to read over things a couple of times and was still left confused. I think a second look at this aspect of the story will help strengthen the beginning.