Thursday, September 22, 2016

Talkin' Heads #8

TITLE: Dragon Dilemma
GENRE: MG Fantasy

Adeline has just failed. She lost her dragon and her big brother to the big bad, Master Bozzlewig. She has met up with her Gran in what she fears is a witch's bakery.

“Hello dear, I am so glad to see you.” I was safe and warm in a squishy Grandma hug.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “You never leave the farm anymore.”
Her chest rumbled as she answered, “Hilda is who your parents called this morning.”
I pulled away from her. “Mom and Pop called her? But that doesn’t make sense. Why would Mom call someone she thinks is a witch?”
“Because they thought I could help,” the baker said.
“And can you?”
“We will see. It would have been easier if you would have come to me straight away, but I suppose events will unfold how they must.”
“I did not expect for you to be alone,” Gran said.
Tears turned her blurry and I sobbed. “I … I lost them.”
Gran pulled me into her arms again.
“Everything is upside down and topsy turvy. Malinda breathed ice. They… I … the guardians… Master Bozzlewig.” I pushed away from her suddenly remembering. “Master Bozzlewig said I should run to you. You are his mom.”
“Huey,” Gran whispered and her face turned white.
“He is my uncle, isn’t he?” I asked, and she nodded. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I … I couldn’t.”
“He’s like me, isn’t he? Or I’m like him.” I plopped in a chair. “I don’t want to be like him. He’s awful, and he has Reggie and my, uh, the baby dragon.”
Gran grabbed my cold hands and looked at me with shiny eyes. “I’m sorry, child, I know you feel angry and betrayed. You have the right to. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you.”

5 comments:

  1. In the first sentence, use a contraction (more realistic). Also, put the following beat ("I was safe and warm...") in the second paragraph with Adeline's dialogue, since she's the one who is experiencing that feeling. Could you add a dialogue tag to the paragraph beginning "Everything is upside down..."? At first I thought that was Gran speaking.

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  2. In the first sentence, use a contraction (more realistic). Also, put the following beat ("I was safe and warm...") in the second paragraph with Adeline's dialogue, since she's the one who is experiencing that feeling. Could you add a dialogue tag to the paragraph beginning "Everything is upside down..."? At first I thought that was Gran speaking.

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  3. I definitely see MG and fantasy! Use more contractions at the beginning to make it sound more natural.

    Also, you could remove one of the "I'm sorry," at the end.

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  4. It's not quite there yet. You're getting all the facts out, but possibly not the full emotion.

    E.g. 'And can you?' comes across as a calm question to me. Where as a simpler 'Can you?' comes across more as a plea which makes the emotion stronger.

    Or a little re-ordering could help too:

    “Huey,” Gran whispered and her face turned white.

    might be

    Gran's face whitened. Her voice strained. "Huey."

    On the nitpicky side, you need a comma after 'away from her' too.

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  5. I like this piece and thinks it just needs a tiny bit of tweaking to perfect it. I agree with ikmar to add stronger emotion and the order. A couple other nitpicks

    “Hello dear, I am so glad to see you.” I was safe and warm in a squishy Grandma hug. It's unclear who is speaking. The dialog sounds like gran, but the action beat sounds like Adeline. I'm confused at who is speaking. Maybe, Grandma fave me a squishy huge…

    'Why would Mom call' should be 'Why would they call' to match the beginning of the sentence.

    Maybe use an action beat instead of "the baker said"

    “I did not expect for you to be alone,” Gran said. I thought she was talking to the baker, maybe point out that she turn to Adeline and said it. I suggest cutting the word 'for' too.

    'my, uh, the baby dragon'. I suggest just saying my baby dragon.

    The last sentence sounded like she wasn't addressing the right thing. Adeline's immediate distress is losing Reggie and the dragon. Granny should be comforting her about that.

    Why are her hands cold? Usually emotional, crying people get warm, even hot.

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