Wednesday, May 16, 2018

May Secret Agent Contest #3

TITLE: Fury of Stars
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction

Out the porthole, the planet’s golden surface drifts away beneath the hazy, distorted burn of the aft engines. We’re at full thrust, and although I’m buckled in, I don’t need the brace. Our small jetpod makes all the right noises as we enter Corvis’s thinning atmosphere. A seat shimmy here, a clacking grate there, the garbled growl of booster ignition drowning out the thunder in my ears. At least I don’t have to worry about it falling from the sky. But it’s the pendulous, bruise-black clouds that have me worried. Something rumbles. We’re going to fly through a morning squall. I clench my jaw. This is gonna hurt.

           We punch a hole in the cumulonimbus.

            Light betrays us, and we’re consumed by a darkness so pure for a moment I imagine what death feels like. The gasps in the cabin mirror the dread of the storm. A hand grips mine. I hide my smile as my sister gives a high-pitched squeal accompanied by a squeeze worthy of rigor. This isn’t how she imagined our first trip to the station, and when a blaze of blue rips through the cabin, my heart jolts in sympathy.

            Fat droplets lick down the glasstek windows in rivers. A rattle reverberates the reinforced hull. Wind smacks the outer panels with gusty fingers. Then something commences hitting the ship, a thousand tiny taps all at once. Another brilliant flash followed by a planet-breaking crash causes my insides to plummet to the surface. Chairs shake. Everyone screams.


  1. I like all the action. The crashing is great. I think rhe first line is a little awkward, it feels more like a statement on the back of the book then what the MC sees.
    But I would read more. Good luck!

  2. Hi, great description, I can see and feel the experience. Give more hints about why I should invest in your character. Right now I know he/she has a sister, has done this before. But I don't have any questions. Have the character think about why they are traveling going to something, getting away? As you read through these 250 word posts, you will come across examples of what yours is currently missing. For example #1 -- I know the girl is consumed with an accident her father had -- so I am curious to read more. Your character has problems that will pull the reader in, just give us a hint or two (sometimes it is only a word or two) in the first 250 words.

  3. A jet (spaceship, or whatever MC is on) crash is definitely intriguing but I think too much time was spent on this for these opening pages that left us not knowing much about the MC and therefore not connecting. Also, be careful from over describing. Golden, hazy, distorted is a mouthful for a first sentence. Hope this helps.

  4. This is a high adrenaline scene but I haven't gotten to know the characters yet, and so I don't really feel anything for them as they hurtle to the ground in what I think sounds like a crash.

    I'd love to get to know a character before this scene so that I can feel some adrenaline with them.

    Thank you so much for sharing!