Monday, August 20, 2018

Talkin' Heads #1

TITLE: Saving Time
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction

A time travel cop meets a beautiful thief on the Titanic, but his mission fails. To his surprise, he meets up with the woman on his next mission at a tavern.

Carl took a sip. “That’s why I’m here. It’s what I trying to stop.” He grimaced and put the cup down. “Horrible.”
“It tastes just fine to me.”
“That’s because you’re used to this stuff. I’m not.”
“Coffee is better in the future?” Julia asked.
“Yes, and speaking of the future, what the hell is going on? How did you end up here?”
Julia put her cup down. “I didn’t go topside when you told me to. I followed you but tried to stay far behind. I almost lost sight of you at one point but caught up by the time you went through the slit and disappeared. I ran up to it, stuck my hand inside, and … found myself here.”
“Here? In Philadelphia?”                  
“Yes. Why, is that unusual? ”           
Carl rubbed his chin. “If you followed me in, you should have arrived in the future with me, except you were sent here. I would say that’s very unusual. How long have you been here?”
“About five months.”
“Five months,” Carl repeated to himself. “How have you survived this long on your own?”
Julia took another sip. “I had a few dollars, which covered me for about a week. And then … I … you know… .”
“Yeah, you employed your special pickpocket skills.”
“Hey, I needed to eat, and there are a lot of people around here with money. Then I met a doctor who told me about needing help at the hospital and I volunteered. Now I stay there."

3 comments:

  1. I can't actually tell whose POV this is in. I think it's because it's entirely dialogue with no internal monologue from the POV character. Try to not rely on only physical actions to tag your dialogue and use some internal thoughts to show us what your POV thinks of all this chatter.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  2. Hard to judge with this small of a snippet. There is no physical background, but perhaps you had to cut that to make the word limit.
    Unless Julia's time travel is described in more detail previously, it's a very thin description here.
    Carl and Julia sound alike. I would expect some kind of contrast between them, in terms of diction, figures of speech, etc.
    If the passages before and after this snippet are rich in detail, this should work, but it's hard to tell

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  3. I agree with the above comments. They sum it up nicely. I also thought the excerpt could use some urgency, energy, and a point. It reads too matter-of-fact. It doesn't feel like anything is wrong. What was/is the MC's mission? Is he surprised to see the woman? What are they sipping? It just feels a bit bland, like two friends meeting for coffe but have little to say to each other. Working in some internal thoughts could add some spice here, some emotion and mood.

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