TITLE: WAYWARD
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Seventeen-year-old witch, Hex Wayward, struggles to control the dark magic inside of her. When her power-hungry family threatens the human boy she loves, Hex will do anything to keep him safe.
I laid on the throttle and smiled at an answering purr from the engine. My baby was a patch job--all spit and spare parts, mostly junk or stolen.
The two guys on my right were South-side gearheads with shiny chrome monsters that they probably got straight off a dealer's lot. I could take them easy. The last rider had a cherry-red rice rocket, a Ninja maybe. It was hard to tell in the dark.
Any minute, a Southie would saunter up and tell me girls shouldn't be racing. Try to get inside my head. As fun as it'd be to plant my boot in his smirking face, it wasn't worth the effort. The two-hundred bucks I won off them last week spoke for itself.
We lined up on the deserted street, bikes jumping like caged tigers. My heart beat faster in anticipation. I wanted the freezing wind to whip through the opening of my jacket and numb my lips. Nothing between me and the road but squealing tires and a roaring engine.
A girl in a miniskirt walked in front of us, waving a yellow bandanna like a flag. Time slowed as I waited for her arm to come down.
Without warning, a stench overwhelmed my senses, strong and acrid, so hot that it seared the hair from my nostrils.
The smell of burning sulfur and ancient spice.
The scent of magic.
Great tag-line. Amazing first sentence. Like how there is already backstory in the first 250. Plus, cliffhanger much!
ReplyDeleteI predict you get a full-request. (At least the first 50)
Way to go!
Love the opening, strong voice, great imagery. Clever weaving of the imortant 'one liner' of backstory. Would like to read this once it's published :)
ReplyDeleteI really like it. I have no suggestions. Love the cliffhanger. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteLove the opening and the voice. The only thing that confused me a little was that I thought they were already racing, then they lined up for the race.
ReplyDeleteI would read more.
You had me right up until "the scent of magic". I was really digging the whole girl drag racing thing. So different. Maybe there's a way to infuse the scene with the idea of magic rather that stating it flat out?
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. You really put me there. The third parg. did pull me out of the story a bit, because the story stops so you can feed me info (that she's a girl) and I wonder if you can get that in in a more natural way. Maybe she tucks her long hair under a helmet, or someone calls her name.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps consider cutting 'a stench overwhelmed my senses.' It's cliche, and it would have overwhelmed her, not her senses.
The logline didn't really hook me. You had me with the first sentence and lost me with the second.
ReplyDeleteLove your opening line! Great voice, but I have to agree wtth macaronipants ... you lost me at 'the scent of magic'.
Nice job. Good luck.
I like the logline but it would help to know how or why her family threatens the boy.
ReplyDeleteI like this but I find it odd that she calls the final smell a stench, smell and scent. These seems to imply that it's both positive and negative. I think you could solve this just by using "smell" again in the final line.
I love the log line and I'm definitely hooked. I think the reader gets a very good sense of Hex's character from the writing.
ReplyDeleteA couple small things--first, in the third paragraph, "two hundred" shouldn't be hyphenated. In the same paragraph, she says that at a Southie would come up to her at any minute, but this doesn't happen. I really like this paragraph, though; I'd suggest just editing the first part of the first sentence so that it doesn't leave the reader waiting for the Southie to come up to her. Finally, I think the last two paragraphs (or maybe even three) can be combined into one.
Overall, though, I love the voice and I would definitely read on.
Like the others said, great voice. I like this scene's introduction to Hex's character via the drag race and her patch job bike.
ReplyDeleteI think the logline might not do your book justice. It covers the plot, but it feels too generic. What's at stake? Does the human boy know she's a witch? Is the family threatening his life so that she'll work with them, or is it about more than that? What happens if she does help them, what are they after?
I agree with Donna about the logline. I actually thought there might be too much time spent setting up this drag race. I'd like to know why she's so confident she can take the two guys with newer bikes. I actually love the ending. It gets me into paranormal mode (my favorite.:-) One small thing: I think "It wasn't worth the effort" should be "It wouldn't be worth..." because the event never takes place. I'd definitely read more. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteNice job with the voice, and great descriptions. I agree with Erin - the first sentence was good, but the second broke the flow. I would work it in as the third or fourth sentence. Maybe 'I could take them easy, even though my baby was a...' And being as how I love all things magic, this part wasn't abrupt to me at all like others mentioned. You do a great job of opening with action, a pinch of back story and an excellent feel for the MC.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused at first because somehow I thought she was in a car. Maybe you should write "...from the engine of my bike" to make it clear from the beginning. After I figured out that it was a bike race, I was hooked. Great writing. The best I've seen so far (and I'm working my way up).
ReplyDeleteNice setup. I get a sense of Hex's personality from the get-go. Does she use magic or her own skills to beat these boys at bike ricing? I agree with others about tagline. Would love to know why family is powerful and what drives them.
ReplyDeleteI like this. The last line leaves me wanting more!
ReplyDeleteLogline:
ReplyDeleteI think you could up the stakes a bit more here--what is the anything she's willing to do?
Line comments:
-If she won $200, why would they mock her? Unless she didn't really win it off of them specifically?
-Nice last line!
Overall:
Well done!
Great opening 250 words. Brilliant voice.
ReplyDelete"Without warning, a stench overwhelmed my senses, strong and acrid, so hot that it seared the hair from my nostrils." Wow - that is so non-girl-ish. Then again, she's a gear-head, right?
As for the log line, it's missing something. How and why is her power hungry family threating the boy she likes? How will she keep him safe - what must she do? What happens if she doesn't?
Maybe consider bringing the in-your-face voice from the story into the log line to give us a stronger sense of what might happen.
Absolutely love Hex. She's a fun, strong character. Great writing. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteFYI, since you say 'human boy' in the logline, I'm assuming witches aren't human. Which is fine, but it does go against the idea of witches being humans with special abilities or a different belief system.
I bid 10 pages.
ReplyDelete- Sarah LaPolla, Curtis Brown, Ltd.
I bid 20.
ReplyDeleteJosh Getzler, Russell & Volkening
I bid 30.
ReplyDeleteKate McKean
Howard Morhaim Literary Agency
35
ReplyDeleteJosh
45 pages!
ReplyDeleteDanielle Chiotti, Upstart Crow Lit
50!
ReplyDeleteJosh
60!
ReplyDeleteKate McKean
Howard Morhaim Literary Agency
75!!
ReplyDeleteJG
100!
ReplyDeleteDanielle Chiotti, Upstart Crow Lit
Full!!!
ReplyDeleteJosh
BIDDING FOR THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to you!!
ReplyDeleteOh yay! I loved this one. I read it before in a previous contest and was hooked; the new revision is obviously a winner!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line: The scent of magic.
Woo hoo!
ReplyDeleteThis entry really struck me. Great voice, great lines. I especially loved "...all spit and spare parts..." and "The scent of magic."
ReplyDeleteThis one is definitely a winner.
Yay!!
ReplyDeleteKnew it! And I was the first to say so!
ReplyDeleteMy reward? (other than a signed first-edition copy... : ) I suggest you check out my blog, people seem to like it : )
Is this set in Boston? I like the reference to Southies. But it gets confused with "South-side," which is a Chicago reference (at least, I'm pretty *sure* I've never heard Southies referred to as South-siders, given that Southie refers to South Boston). Close distinction, but for those who come from either city, an important one.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I like the voice, good moving the plot forward and character establishment. Like the unique start of a motorcycle race (though it's a little confusing at first, because it's not clear that it's motorcycles as opposed to cars until several paragraphs in).
But in general, I'm hooked enough. I'd be looking for strong worldbuilding right up front, which seems to be happening with the smell of magic.
One thing: the name Hex Wayward is a little too over the top.