TITLE: Out of My Body
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Tanya Reinhart, a sixteen-year-old girl who suffers from uncontrolled out-of-body experiences, needs to do anything to save her mother's kidnapped soul--even if it means risking her life as an astral projection spy (aka freak-in-training) for the U.S. Government.
Prickling. In my fingers, like ants gnawing my skin from the inside. Not here, please. Not now. But the tingling spreads like a current through my arms, chest, legs.
Maybe, if I really hurry, I can make it.
I scramble to rise from the chair and bump my hip against my desk. I hit it so hard that the desk tips over and crashes against the classroom tiles. Oh, this will definitely leave a mark on my hip. But now I don't feel pain. I'm already numb--I just feel my head and my unblinking eyes. This means I've only got a few seconds left to make it to the bathroom.
Everybody's looking. Even Mr. Doherty has stopped scribbling numbers on the whiteboard to stare at me. "Tanya, are you okay?" he asks, holding his blue marker in midair.
I don't answer. I just reel forward. Pass Aaron Burman's desk and stumble over Lindsay Narayan's backpack. Reach the door--kudos to me.
My hand flies to grasp the handle.
Too late. My fingers pass straight through the handle, through the closed door. And at the same time, the thud of a limp body crashing against the floor shocks me.
Oh, God.
I'm already out of my body--again.
Un-kudos to me.
Slowly, I look down. My body lies on the floor tiles, eyes rolling back, hands pulled against chest like a begging puppy. "No, no, no!" I yell, but of course no one hears me.
I love this. All of this entries are short but this one *feels* short - it rushes by and I'm definitely wishing the word count was higher. I love that the voice isn't forced, she's just describing what's happening to her in a tone that lets you know it happens all the time. I still find a lot of people forcing snarky attitudes like every writer knows the same teenager. (Rant over.)
ReplyDeleteKUDOS!
I really love this, both the logline and the snippets. The character's voice is so palpable here, and I read on hurriedly to know what'll happen next when bam! It ends.
ReplyDeleteI love it and will buy it as soon as it comes out. Good luck with it.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by the number of new items introduced in the logline and think it could be stronger if you told us who she is fighting against (ie, who kidnapped the soul/who is trying to stop her from saving it).
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the excerpt is great. It reminds me of Wake, which I LOVED!
I love this, too! Especially liked the "un-kudos" line. I love how it emphasizes that this amazing, weird skill she has is more of an annoyance to her than anything.
ReplyDeleteMy guess from the logline is that it's the soul that flies out of the body..and that her mom's is trapped? Sounds like an interesting read :)
I loved this too. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this, too, but perhaps the tingling fingers is a bit too close to Wake (which I loved, so it's not a bad thing that your work reminds me of that. A different body part would help differentiate it, though. Or maybe I'm being too picky. :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! Not crazy about "...the thud of a limp body crashing against the floor shocks me." Maybe she just hears the thud of a limp body hitting the floor? She shouldn't be shocked, since this has happened before.
I would definitely read more. Nice job!
Great voice and pace. I'd definately keep reading.
ReplyDeleteIf you wanted to tighten even more you could cut 'I hit is so hard' and just say the desk fell over. But that is totally unnessary.
logline - perhaps say who kidnapped her mother's soul, even if it's something as vague as 'some unatural force.' And perhaps say she needs to do 'everything' to save her mom, as opposed to 'anything.'
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt could be tightened up a lot. If you cut the words that explain - to rise from, I hit it so hard that, But now, already, just, this means - all of these are in parg. 3. If you cut them, you turn a passive parg. into an active parg. Your MC is doing and feeling, instead of telling us she's doing and feeling. It will give it much more immediacy.
Um. Yeah.
ReplyDeleteI've got no comments for this one.
Other than: I want to read it!!
This was fantastic!
I'm with Beth, LOVE it, just let me know me when the book's out and I'll be first in line!
ReplyDeleteLike everybody else, I really, really liked this.
ReplyDeleteI bid 20 pages.
ReplyDeleteHere's a bid to read the first 30 pages.
ReplyDeleteWeronika Janczuk
D4EO Literary
I bid 40 pages.
ReplyDeleteI bid 50 pages.
ReplyDeleteMelissa Jeglinski
The Knight Agency
I bid 60 pages.
ReplyDeleteTina Wexler, ICM
I bid 75
ReplyDeleteJosh Getzler
R&V
All in! I bid the read the entire manuscript.
ReplyDelete--LM
The Strothman Agency
BIDDING ON THIS ITEM IS NOW CLOSED!
ReplyDeleteOh man. You stink, Lauren.
ReplyDeleteD'oh!
ReplyDeleteJOsh
Congrats, Lauren. This was a good one.
ReplyDeleteOh, too bad I missed the bidding on this one!
ReplyDeleteSad I missed this one, too.
ReplyDeleteThis is so exciting. Congratulations to the author. Best of luck. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty hooked. Astral projection is one we haven't seen in the hit parade of paranormal fantasy, so this is refreshing. I like the immediate conflict she's dealing with, though the writing does get a little bit clunky at times (editing/revisions can fix things like that).
ReplyDeleteI also like the stakes that she's dealing with, saving her mother's kidnapped soul & having to make a deal she doesn't want to in order to do so. I like the amount of detail I'm getting in this synopsis about her surroundings and how you juggle that with her internal conflict.
Good job!
Thanks so much everyone, for the comments, for the auction.
ReplyDeleteI had so much fun with this!