TITLE: FIFTY KISSES
GENRE: YA Romance
Chelsea roars her VW convertible into the AHS parking lot and checks her makeup in the rear view mirror. Good thing I put my seat belt on because there's a screech of tires, and I'm thrown back against my headrest.
I tighten every muscle in my body, waiting for a crash.
Chelsea shakes so hard, she can barely hold onto the wheel. "My God, I almost hit that car. Where did it come from?" She peers out the side window. "Oh, damn. It's Logan Spenser. This is going to screw up our bet."
"We just about smashed into somebody, and you're worried about a bet?" I sink down farther in my seat until I'm almost on the floor.
Grinding into reverse, Chelsea floors it and this time she misses banging into him by about three inches. She shifts into first gear and we jolt forward and into another parking place. We both sit in silence and breathe heavy.
My heart's pounding so fast, it feels like I ran twenty miles.
Giggling like a couple of ten-year-olds, we crawl out of the car and stumble toward the entrance to the school. I'm just glad we're alive.
Chelsea grabs my arm as we start up the steps. "It's him. He's waiting for us."
"Who?" Like I don't know. My heart's still pounding, but in a
different way. This one isn't fear. It's excitement. I glance up and
he's standing in front of me, all gorgeous in his black leather jacket.
I was confused at first, thinking Chelsea was the MC and this was written in third person. Anyway you can make it more clear who your MC is?
ReplyDeleteThe intro of Logan and the bet are quickly dropped without an explanation. It is only the first 250, so I assume they'll be explained a bit more in the coming pages?
It'd be great if Logan has some kind of reaction or interaction with the girls. I'd be super upset if someone almost ran me down! It could be a great way to introduce Logan, give us a feel for who he is (does he yell at Chelsea? Act like it's no big deal?) and why he's important to the story.
At this point, I would probably keep reading on for a bit.
I agree with Megan, my initial impression was that Chelsea was the MC. it's cleared up really quickly but I feel like it'd be best off if it was clear from the first line.
ReplyDeleteI really like your voice and I thought it was authentic and fun to read, but I felt a little like I was just thrown into something and didn't exactly know what was going on. Maybe a little more context or description would be helpful with that?
YA romance can be so fun and I do think you've nailed that vibe, so you're on the right track :)
I also thought Chelsea was the MC which threw me for a little loop. The voice is great. it's been a while since I've read present tense so it took me a while to get the hang of it, but that's no fault of yours. I'd read more
ReplyDeleteI, too, was scratching my head after the first two sentences. I thought you had mixed up third and second person narration! You do a nice job, though, of setting up the different personalities of Chelsea and the narrator, but you need a bit more drama and energy to make this scene feel like more than a generic opening.
ReplyDeleteIf you fix the POV/tense issues, this is a fun start. I like the bet plot point and hope you integrate it into the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteYou have the YA romance voice down, and it will grab your audience.
Yes, Logan needs to react to the girls. Maybe he can or say something in the Big Drama category to surprise and grab us readers.
I agree with the other posters - I was confused about the POV but after rereading it, it made sense :)
ReplyDeleteI really want to know what the bet is, so I'd keep reading.
Like the YA voice and the drama of teenage driving. Good set up for the romance right away. I did also stumble over who was the MC for a sentence or two, but one I figured it out I enjoyed the opening.
ReplyDelete