TITLE: NEVERMORE
GENRE: YA magical realism
THIRD PERSON PRESENT (original):
Corbel soars on black wings above the crowded streets, so high up the people look like insects scurrying through the downpour, umbrellas obscuring their myopic views, like blinders on a horse. If only they’d look up and see the wonder of a winged boy. No one glances at him and his wings beat against the rain, water beads off his massive wings, his feather oil keeps them and him dry in even the most horrendous storms. Zipping in and around, catching air currents and floating, his face the only part of him wet, he relishes the tingle of the stinging rain on his cheeks, his skin. A thousand needles prick his body with pain and he relishes every drop, every sharp stab. He feels alive when he’s flying.
A faint cry echoes through his soul from below and it’s her voice. Faint. So faint. So lovely in its tones. In a different time and place he’d describe it as lilting, the voice of a fairy sending him into a dreamlike state. It reverberates through him. It calls him to spiral downward and down until his wings beat with furious abandon in the unrelenting storm above the street but unseen. A crack of booming thunder followed by the sharp sulfuric scent of a lightning bolt close by lights up the dark sky and in that moment he sees her illuminated below him.
FIRST PERSON PRESENT:
I soar on black wings above the crowded streets, so high up the people look like insects scurrying through the downpour, umbrellas obscuring their myopic views, like blinders on a horse. If only they’d look up and see the wonder of a winged boy. No one glances at me, and my massive wings beat against the rain, water beading off them. My feather oil keeps them and me dry in even the most horrendous storms.
Zipping in and around, catching air currents and floating, my face the only part of me wet, I relish the tingle of the stinging rain on my cheeks, my skin. A thousand needles prick my body with pain, and I relish every drop, every sharp stab. I feel alive when I'm flying.
A faint cry echoes through my soul from below, and it’s her voice. Faint. So faint. So lovely in its tones. In a different time and place I’d describe it as lilting, the voice of a fairy sending me into a dreamlike state. It reverberates through me. It calls me to spiral downward and down until my wings beat with furious abandon in the unrelenting storm above the street, but unseen. A crack of booming thunder followed by the sharp sulfuric scent of a lightning bolt close by lights up the dark sky, and in that moment I see her illuminated below me.
I prefer the original work here. (Third person.) The sample is not a lot to go on, but there's a cinematic-feel to this scene that works well in third person. It's sort of a larger-than-life feel. If this is also the tone/mood of the rest of the MS, my vote is for third person. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI prefer the intimacy of the first person version. But hey--ever since I switched my first ms out of third person, I've leaned that way. For me, using the third person in a sentence like, "He feels alive when he's flying," sounds forced and unnecessarily distant. Looking forward to more opinions. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis was a fence one for me. There are things I like about the third-person excerpt and things I liked about the first-person excerpt.
ReplyDeleteFirst gives it more intimacy, but there are some lines (having been third) that feel outside the perspective. Third creates some distance but also gives it more of a lyrical, literary feel, to me. I think I like third for this one.
I prefer the original on this one. I agree that first is more immediate, but I think the slight detachment from the original POV works very well for this. But I do want to read this at some point =)
ReplyDeleteAlthough I liked knowing the MC's name right away in the Third Person Present version, I preferred the First Person Present for this one.
ReplyDeleteFor me there was quite a bit of "telling" in both versions, but the first person present tended to keep me in the MC's head more-so than the original.
Cool premise so I'm sure whichever way you go will be great.
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ReplyDeleteI liked the first person, present. The original was like watching a movie. In first person, I felt like I was there with him.
ReplyDeletegood luck!
Thanks for all the responses! I wish I could say with a firm conviction I knew which one the story belonged in, but I don't. Both have merit. I only have one chapter done so I'll see where it goes. Thanks, again!
ReplyDelete