Tense Change Challenge #2

TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

This is the second chapter, introducing the girl MC. MS is dual POV. I recently changed my MS from present tense, third person, to past, third. I wonder, if I should go a step further and change it to first person, past tense.

THIRD PERSON PAST (original):

City of Phoenicis, Mars
Year 2148

The Phoenicis skyline of glass, steel, and marble stone stood in the distance, scraping the crimson sky. Fifty stories up, the iron rails weaved a path throughout the city, going over and around the buildings. A few scattered, perfectly white and puffy clouds moved across, and out of her line of sight. Tomorrow was a scheduled rain day.

Catita sprinted toward the city center, wilted amaranth flowers and gravel crunched under her running boots. “Hey, watch it!” Catita swung at the small aircraft, buzzing around her like a honeybee, a curfew drone patrolling the city. Its shiny, white body had four pairs of red eyes, and dangly legs that made it look like an oversized, mechanical spider. When it finished the scan, it took off, missing the passing train car by inches. The stupid things are a menace.

She ran to Old Main Street, then took a left at the end of the block. When she reached her street, she stopped outside the small art gallery across from her building to catch her breath. Soft piano notes poured out onto the street from somewhere overhead. Sensing movement, the shop window displayed pre-recorded ads. Catita watched as she stretched her hamstring, then her arms.

The sequence ended with a still image of a woman, with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, bright red lips, and in a dark business suit. She looked elegant, sipping from a steaming espresso cup.

FIRST PERSON PAST:

City of Phoenicis, Mars
Year 2148

The Phoenicis skyline of glass, steel, and marble stone stood in the distance, scraping the crimson sky. Fifty stories up, the iron rails weaved a path throughout the city, going over and around the buildings. A few scattered, perfectly white and puffy clouds moved across and out of my line of sight. Tomorrow was a scheduled rain day.

I sprinted toward the city center, wilted amaranth flowers and gravel crunching under my running boots. “Hey, watch it!” I swung at the small aircraft buzzing around me like a honeybee, a curfew drone patrolling the city. Its shiny, white body had four pairs of red eyes and dangly legs that made it look like an oversized, mechanical spider. When it finished the scan, it took off, missing the passing train car by inches. The stupid things were a menace.

I ran to Old Main Street, then took a left at the end of the block. When I reached my street, I stopped outside the small art gallery across from my building to catch my breath. Soft piano notes poured out onto the street from somewhere overhead. Sensing movement, the shop window displayed pre-recorded ads. I watched as I stretched my hamstring, then my arms.

The sequence ended with a still image of a woman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, bright red lips, and in a dark business suit. She looked elegant, sipping from a steaming espresso cup.