TITLE: Return To Spender
GENRE: MG - Magical Realism
A memory of William's and Emma waiting for the bus on her first day of school. Now, they are no longer friends.
“William, since you're an old hand at school, being in first grade and all, I'd like you to show Emma the ropes,” Uncle Drew said, patting William on the shoulder. “This being her first day of kindergarten, she's afraid.”
“No, I'm not, Daddy,” Emma said before she pushed William toward his father. “I’m not a bit afraid. I can take care of myself. I can even take care of him, if he needs it.” She pointed to William.
“I can take care of myself,” William said, pushing her back as the time the big yellow bus with its fume-like tail rolled to a stop.
“William. That’s enough, already.” His father pulled the two kids apart and aimed them at the open bus door. “Get in there, before Shirley leaves without you.”
“You wouldn't leave us, would you Shirley?” William asked.
Shirley smiled. Her hair was longer then, and it seemed her smiles came a lot easier. “Probably not, but you never know. I had a few close calls with your mother.”
“See, I told you.” William's father winked at Shirley, and then gave his son a gentle pat on the back. “Have fun on your first day of first grade.”
“Okay, Dad.” William climbed up the steep stairs into the bus. He turned and waited for his friend, Emma. “Hey, Em, let me show you where to sit.”
“The bestest seat?” Emma asked.
William smiled. “Yep. The bestest seat for my bestest friend.”
Hi! The pacing is good, and you've set the scene well.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern is that the children's voices are too old. In my (vast) experience, children of 5 and 6 don't talk like this. They sound more like 8 to 10-year-olds to me, so you may want to take a look at this.
For example, Emma says: "I’m not a bit afraid. I can take care of myself. I can even take care of him, if he needs it.”
A 5-year-old would probably sound more like this:
"I'm not afraid! I can take care of BOTH of us."
Think simpler, shorter sentences.
William's "The bestest seat for my bestest friend." isn't believable, either. Probably just "Yep." is fine here.
You also have some awkward turns of phrase, such as, "This being her first day of kindergarten, she's afraid.” People really don't talk like this. Think about how you would actually say this if YOU were the speaker. Most people don't say things like "this being" at the beginning of a sentence.
Good luck!
Nice scene. I agree that some of the dialogue sounds too old for these children, but I'd keep the "bestest seat" line. It's strong, sets the tone, and I think a first grader would say it.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you create pauses with commas in places there wouldn't necessarily be a pause, such as "That's enough, already." I think the dad would just say "That's enough" or "That's enough already." But no pause.
Nice job!
I like the gentle, warm vibe of all the characters. This scene could use a little trimming though, IMO, both in the dialog, as suggested above, and in the beats/tags. For example, you don't always need to add the "said" tag, if the character is also performing an action. One exercise you might try is forcing yourself to cut ten percent of the wordcount and see whether you like the result.
ReplyDeleteSomething you did beautifully here is with Shirley. In just a few lines, you conveyed so much -- e.g., that Shirley is old enough to have driven William's mother, that she has a sense of humor, and that the mom was the type of kid who was often late for the bus. Well done!
I agree with Jeanne's comment re. Shirley. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that the scene should be reworked, tightened, unless all the dialogue here is critical to later developments.
Good luck with it,
I agree with Jeanne's comment re. Shirley. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that the scene should be reworked, tightened, unless all the dialogue here is critical to later developments.
Good luck with it,