TITLE: The Portal
GENRE: YA - Fantasy
Quinn, Jack, and Cam are on a journey to save their Realm from the Coven. Roybn, a sprite from the Athens Woodlands, says they have no hope of succeeding if they don't stop a theif who carries one of the ultimate powers of the land.
“Jack,” Quinn whispered, clutching at his arm. “They’re looking for a new Portal zone. Another place to drop the girls that the Rebellion doesn’t know about.”
Jack covered her hand and squeezed reassuringly. “It won’t happen Princess.”
Robyn continued, “No it won’t. Not if we can get the Mermaid Opal back. They are sending it to the Piper. Apparently there is another power to the stone, a power that could be the downfall of us all.
“The Piper?” Quinn inquired. “Not the Pied Piper?”
Robyn nodded. “The very one.”
“Bastard,” Jack swore. “I hate that son of a—"
“Jack!"
“Sorry, he’s not one I would mess with again. Him and that stupid magical pipe. I can’t get within a mile of him.”
“Precisely,” Robyn chimed. “It’s his flute we should be afraid of. Oberon said the Mermaid Opal, contains the power of the sirens. When the sirens disappeared, the magic left over in the water was pulled into the opal like a magnet. The person who can unlock the siren’s song is master of a song so powerful no one can resist its pull.”
“But the Piper already has that power doesn’t he?” asked Cam, now steadily pulling the last body to the grave. “What would he need with the Opal?”
“The opal would intensify his own magic. No one would be immune him. The Coven will rise to power more quickly if the Piper draws all the rebels to him and dispose of them.”
This definitely shows promise, but I would be more sparing with your dialogue tags. Most of the time "said" is more effective than distracting words like "inquired," "swore" or "chimed" whose meaning is already there in the context of the dialogue. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely intrigued by a fantasy world that incorporates the Pied Piper! Plus mermaids! And sprites!Unfortunately, I had a lot of trouble following along with all of the new information being introduced in this excerpt. If this information is pivotal to the story, then the pacing might be too quick. It would help if they could slow down and stay focused. For example, Jack's offhand comment about the Pied Piper pulls focus away from the explanation of the stone.
ReplyDeleteIt also feels like the setting doesn't match the dialogue. They're having a very important expository conversation in a very offhand way while burying bodies. I also don't get a good sense of character from their dialogue. (You might want to take a look at #9, which I thought did that well with 3 people.) I wonder if this conversation may need to happen in another place? Could it be in a tavern where they're talking in whispers? I hope this was helpful in some way! Good luck!
The like the interaction between these characters. I'd watch what I used in the way of tags. Inquired is shown with the question mark. Swore is shown by the word Bastard. And how does one chime a word?
ReplyDeleteThis tag 'asked Cam, now steadily pulling the last body to the grave.' is wonderful. But you could delete steadily for it doesn't add anything. There's 'Robyn continued', and this could also be Robyn spoke next.