TITLE: The Traveler's Truth
GENRE: YA - Science Fiction
In this scene, my main character, Jaden, is in an uncomfortable situation with her new boyfriend's best friend, Trevor. Neither one of them seem to care much for the other.
He drums his fingers on the dash. “So did he tell you about his brother, Chris?”
I nod, still looking out the window. “Yes, he told me.”
“Just between you and me, I think Chance gets a little depressed sometimes. You can’t really blame him—poor guy. He and his dad aren’t exactly close, either. I think he just tries to stay busy. You know, to keep his mind off all the bad stuff that’s happened.”
“Yeah,” I’ll give Trevor one thing—what he’s saying makes sense.
“Most people kind of harden after dealing with something like what he’s gone through. . . but I think Chance has kinda gone the other way.”
I peer over at him. “What do you mean?”
“He’s kinda gone all soft on me. Like he’s started feeling sorry for people and stuff. He used to be in the popular crowd at school—played baseball and all— but he quit the team last year and now I sometimes see him hanging out with kids who don’t have any other friends. The losers, you know.”
Funny how school in this time sounds a lot like school in my own time. We have the popular cliques and the so-called losers, too. But I narrow my eyes. “Why are you telling me this?”
The corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly. “I don’t know. Just to give you a heads up I guess.”
Nice scene! "Yes, he told me," sounds less natural than just "Yes" or "Yeah." However I'm getting the vibe Jaden is from another time period so if the more formal speech fits her character, keep it.
ReplyDeleteThe section beginning with "Just between you and me..." to Jaden's "Yeah" doesn't seem to have much point. It's Trevor talking at Jaden rather than a conversation & it could come across as you the author wanting us to know this info about Chance. I would go from "Yes, he told me" to Trevor saying "Most people kind of..." Because the main point of the scene is that Trevor is being a jerk.
I think the insinuation is that Jaden must be a loser since Chance is dating her now and he's been hanging out with losers. I really like that info and how it is presented from Trevor. Clever. But it would be nice if it was a little more certain that that is what Trevor is implying.
What you've got up there sounds really interesting... but it's a lot of information in a short amount of time. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, but something to consider -- is it important to have all this information told in this moment? I'd also suggest considering buffing the story beats around the dialogue -- presumably this is a lot of new information to your mc. As a reader, I want to feel her reactions. Other than that, switch the comma after "Yeah" to a full stop. I really like what you have here though!
ReplyDeleteReally good scene. I wouldn't change that 'Yes, he told me' line. It's a mild rebuff, not an answer. I think it does work.
ReplyDeleteI was confused by 'Funny how school in this time sounds a lot like school in my own time.' but I assume it makes sense in the larger story.
I didn't like the 'on me' after 'soft'. I know you are trying to make it more personal for Trevor, but I can't see him saying that.
Love the hint of a smile on Trevor when he insults her at the end.
So, Jaden's new boyfriend is, I guess, Chance. Trevor, Jaden, and Chance are in high school together [Chance was a star, now hangs out with losers; Trevor is his best friend; Trevor thoughtfully gives Jaden a heads up which I interpret to be a warning that because of her relationship with Chance, she, too, might be seen as a "loser". Your dialog tells me this in a very small amount of space--excellent. Well done.
ReplyDeleteIf my interpretation is correct, then I have no idea what's being said in Jaden's interior monologue "Funny how school in this time sounds a lot like school in my own time. We have the popular cliques and the so-called losers, too." Maybe the verb tense for "have" should be "had"? Jaden a time traveler? Or, if "have" is correct, is Jaden a visitor from a parallel universe? The only reason I speculate about this is because your piece is science fiction.
Overall, I find your dialog to be realistic, although I personally don't like italics.
So, Jaden's new boyfriend is, I guess, Chance. Trevor, Jaden, and Chance are in high school together [Chance was a star, now hangs out with losers; Trevor is his best friend; Trevor thoughtfully gives Jaden a heads up which I interpret to be a warning that because of her relationship with Chance, she, too, might be seen as a "loser". Your dialog tells me this in a very small amount of space--excellent. Well done.
ReplyDeleteIf my interpretation is correct, then I have no idea what's being said in Jaden's interior monologue "Funny how school in this time sounds a lot like school in my own time. We have the popular cliques and the so-called losers, too." Maybe the verb tense for "have" should be "had"? Jaden a time traveler? Or, if "have" is correct, is Jaden a visitor from a parallel universe? The only reason I speculate about this is because your piece is science fiction.
Overall, I find your dialog to be realistic, although I personally don't like italics.