TITLE: MASS HYSTERIA
GENRE: YA SCIENCE FICTION
Brian thinks Elizabeth might be a lesbian. He decides to determine if she is by kissing her. If she feels nothing, she’s a lesbian. She’s already attracted to him but he doesn’t know. This is not only their first kiss but her first kiss, ever.
His lips crash down to mine and the world spins upside down. Everything is quiet – even my nonsensical head for once. The kiss is quick, a peck, but the earth is moving too fast when he pulls back.
“Did you feel anything?” I swallow hard, not sure what to say. Should I tell him I feel all kinds of things when I’m near him?
“You didn’t do it long enough,” Crystal says.
Before I can tell him, it was fine. He grabs my face. Drawing my mouth toward his, he stops just as our lips are about to touch. The words I plan to say are shoved behind my desire for his lips on mine again. His eyes scan my face. “Breathe. Relax. Don’t overthink it.”
His voice has dropped an octave and the vibration rolls against my skin sending shivers up my spine. My eyes slip shut and his lips wrap around mine. I inhale his citrus scent. His hand goes to the back of my head, drawing me in closer. The other rests on the small of my back. This kiss is slow and deep. All the muscles in my body clench.
His tongue slips into my mouth.
What the heck? I push against his chest. He lures me back and never stops kissing me – tongue and all.
I’m not sure about this.
I don’t know if I like this.
Until I taste the chocolate covered raisins he’s been eating. It’s the most delicious flavor mixed with him.
There are a lot of things I like about this. I love the part about the world spinning upside down and the narrator's nonsensical head. When I read about kisses, I don't love reading the mechanics of tongue. And I don't like that she pushes against him and he doesn't let her go. There's also some mechanical issues that took me out of it. For instance: "Before I can tell him, it was fine. He grabs my face." I think that's supposed to say: "Before I can tell him it was fine, he grabs my face." Little things like that take me out of the action and make it hard for me to recover. You convey a lot of emotion within just 250 words. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, in a good way. Thanks for being brave and letting your work be posted like this!ReplyDelete
I really liked the first half of this. Especially the part about the earth moving too fast when he pulls back. I'm really curious as to what he's trying to make her feel and why. I don't really like "his lips wrap around mine." For some reason that just doesn't sound appealing to me. And then it loses me at the tongue. I think it might be better to end it after that kiss (pre-tongue) and leave the reader (and possibly the MC) wanting more. But I really like the descriptions and the voice feels really natural to me. Well done!ReplyDelete
I'm a little confused by this. Who is Crystal? I thought this was a scene between Brian and Elizabeth. Is someone else watching (if so, that's not very romantic).ReplyDelete
I also don't understand her reaction. Does she like him (and the kiss) or does she just like the taste? It sounds like the latter.
Finally, the lead in is a little confusing. She could dislike him and not be a lesbian. Hopefully, this is more clear in the rest of the chapter.
I really like the voice in this section. You’ve done a great job making the characters sound young. For example, reactions like “world spinning” or food items like “chocolate covered raisins” show the age of your characters well. You’ve captured her nervousness well.ReplyDelete
I’m curious about how he is feeling about the kiss. He doesn’t seem as nervous as her. Why? What kinds of physical reactions does she notice on him? Did his cheeks blush? Is he looking soft into her eyes? Is he looking away?
Also I think his voice change should read “His voice drops half an octave…” so it stays in present tense. I would read more of this story! Great job.
Strong first paragraph with great imagery. I am almost reeling with the POV character.ReplyDelete
Comma splice in “Before I can tell him, it was fine.”
The paragraph describing the start of the kiss is good. I’d suggest adding a bt more about how his lips feels on the POV character’s. But these are all sensory descriptions - how does the POV feel as all the muscles in her body clench? Good? Bad? Excited? Melting?
I love the way this continues to the end. Good voice. Fun first kiss experience.