Thursday, February 1, 2018

First Kiss #5

TITLE: Fated Beginning and End
GENRE: NA Fantasy

Faelyn is a newly risen queen and she's fallen forbiddingly for Bastien, a soldier in her army. They have a magical connection that draws them to each other, but then a misunderstanding happens and he's sent away. Knowing she shouldn't, Faelyn rushes to tell him goodbye.

Bastien gazed into her and placed his hands on either side of her face. “We'll be together again.”
He dipped his head, eyes intent on her lips. She should stop him. Stop this before it became more than just unspoken intentions and trapped her in her misery, but as true as that was, she knew she wouldn’t. Her body and soul needed and wanted his love as much as he needed hers.

She stood on the balls of her feet and tilted her face to his. Their lips met, claiming each other. They moved and breathed together in the most intimate dance she'd ever experienced. The taste of him was surreal, the most intoxicating flavor, making her want more. His body, so tight against hers, left an ache burning low in her belly.

He moved a hand to the nape of her neck, pulling her closer. His scent, like untamed woods, flooded her senses. Her hands slid up his muscled arms, feeling the strength of him with her mind and magic. From his broad shoulders up his smooth neck, to his pronounced jaw. She plunged her fingers into his long hair.

He gasped, one warm hand winding around her waist, lips moving with their desperate need, just as strong as hers. More, she needed more. She parted her lips and he acknowledged the invitation eagerly. His tongue slipped in and collided with hers. Tasting, tangling—a wanting that sent her shivering and set her on fire from the inside out.


  1. Intense scene. I enjoyed it.

    1. Perhaps some dialogue, or muffled words/sounds to break up the longer paragraphs.
    2. How does she feel his strength with her mind and magic? Maybe detail that a bit more.
    3. Not sure about the use of plunged. Threaded? Weaved?
    4. Instead of gasping, moaning?

  2. It's definitely an intense scene. I like how conflicted she is, and how you present the conflict. I got a little tripped up how the taste of him could be both surreal and intoxicating. I also got tripped up on her hands sliding up his muscled arms, but she's feeling him not with her hands, but with her mind and magic. "Plunged" also didn't work for me. Overall, great scene with lots of emotion and interesting subtext. Thanks for being brave and sending this out for the world to see!

  3. I find this reads like adult, but I'm not an expert on NA so maybe that's okay.

    Be careful about giving her actions to her body parts here: "Her hands slid up his muscled arm". Her hands shouldn't be acting without her.

    Also, I'd remove a tiny bit of the sensory detail. It's good but feels too heavy. We need more internal monologue to balance it out. People exist as much inside their heads as out (probably more).


  4. This feels a bit over-written to me. It was hard to get into with all the intense descriptions. I would probably like the characters if I got to know them though.

  5. "Gazed into her" read a little awkwardly to me. You could probably get the same image with just him placing his hands on her face, which I really liked, by the way!

    The part where she's thinking she should stop the kiss was good inner life, and I wanted more of that throughout the actual kissing (not her being conflicted but just her thoughts) so I could continue to feel close to Faelyn (beautiful name) and her emotions.

    I'd recommend stopping the paragraph with "as true as that was, she knew she wouldn’t." It's a strong sentence, and the last line (Her body and soul needed and wanted his love as much as he needed hers.) felt a little too much, maybe a little sappy.

    You do a good job giving vivid images during the actual kiss; just include some inner life (what she's thinking and feeling) to it as well so readers can experience the moment with her. I really liked your last line!

  6. Usually I’m all about the sensory detail. Here, I would suggest breaking it up so it isn’t a solid paragraph. Instead, feather it in for impact. Balance it with internal thoughts and a bit of communication between them - whether that’s dialog or unspoken gestures.

    Where is this intimate scene taking their relationship or the POV character in her development through her character arc? How is this scene driving her forward in the story? Perhaps tell us more about her internal conflict and why she’s decided to surrender to what’s between them.

    This scene is compelling. Hook us more deeply and pull us forward into the next part of the story.