Thursday, March 25, 2010

132 MG

TITLE: The Faster Shoes
GENRE: Middle Grade


“Give them back,” Topher shouted as he slammed into the locker room door. He pushed the heavy door open and slid outside.

10 comments:

Laura said...

I'm more hooked by the title than the first 25 words.

Catherine Kariaxi said...

Hmmm... I'm not precisely hooked just yet. The opening could be stronger. I assume (from the title) that one of the other kids had grabbed his shoes and took off running. So Topher's probably running barefoot.

Then again - it is the same problem. 25 words doesn't show too much of the opening scene.

Jane said...

The slamming into the locker room door sort of confused me. I thought Topher had been pushed by whoever stole from him. I had to read this a couple of times.

MsJudy said...

Not enough sense of who needs to give what back. I'm all for starting in the middle of the action, but then the action needs to be really clear. I don't really knows what's going on here.

Anonymous said...

Pushing open the heavy door and sliding outside just slowed the scene down.

If he's going after the person who took whatever from him, the scene needs to move fast.

Jodi Meadows said...

Not really. Sorry.

Teresa N said...

Sorry, not hooked. Is Topher angry or did someone slam him into the locker room door?

Christine said...

If he's already slamming into the door, why does he have to push it open? Also, I'm not sure "slid" is the right word, unless he actually is sliding. It doesn't feel like he has the momentum to slide.

Merc said...

The repetition of "door" bugged me. Not really hooked, sorry.

Jane V said...

Not hooked but then children's books aren't my genre. As far as drama, I'd end the first sentence after "shouted" and exchange "slid" for something more dynamic. Also, I don't quite understand the "slammed." Did someone slam him against the door or is it his action? Confusing when it's followed by "push," which is such a low-key word.