TITLE: DRAIN
GENRE: YA
The hard suitcase with the broken buckle rests between my legs on the bottom step of the townhouse. My whole life is held together by
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15 comments:
Not hooked, but the 2nd sentence portends some sort of misery -- perhaps bring that more to the foreground.
Ooooooooh! You got me hooked, mostly cuz I want to see where the unfinished sentence is leading! ㋡
I'm curious...
Take out the word 'hard' and I'd read on just because it sounds like the suitcase & the protagonist's life are about to fall apart.
I could do without description for the suitcase. Not hooked yet
Not hooked, but would keep reading. I also vote for getting rid of 'hard'.
I would read on, my curiosity was piqued.
Not hooked. Would read on a little further.
I'd give it the rest of the sentence to decide if I was hooked or not. So far the present tense is putting me off.
I kind of like this one :) Just from this little piece, I feel like the MC and the suitcase have a lot in common. Also...GAH, I want to know what the rest of the sentence is!
Not hooked, but would probably keep going anyway. You haven't scared me off yet.
The first sentence seems a bit over-done. I'd drop some of the descriptors of the suitcase, or make them seem more 'voicy.' Is that how the character in question would describe the suitcase.
Ditto dropping "hard" -- this almost hooks me if the narrator is comparing his/her life as being held together by the suitcase. If that's the case, I wonder if something more like "The broken suitcase is all that holds my life together. It rests between my legs, broken buckle..."
JAS.
Cheers. :)
I'm not quite hooked and it's because I stumbled over too much description in the first sentence. Pare that down a bit and you've got me.
I'd like the second sentence first and then maybe...
I'm hooked enough to want to read the back book cover.
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