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The first time I saw the house it filled me with foreboding as if something sinister lay ahead. As I approached with trepidation, it seemed to beckon me. Come, girl. Don’t be afraid. A spell had been cast, and I had no choice but to obey. Sit on my veranda, and let me tell you a story. I knew then that somehow that house would bury its soul within me and haunt me for the rest of my life.
Lynn was actually the first to discover it. Petite and wiry, she was the most popular girl at school. She was also my best friend -- had been since third grade. The L twins, the other kids called us, Lynn and Letty. We couldn’t have been more different, but I was always at her side. I wouldn’t have survived at Saint Benedict’s without her. One brisk fall morning she came to school and shared her discovery.
“I swear. There’s a mansion over there. It’s huge.”
I was standing with Doris and Claire in the girls’ line when Lynn ran over and cut in.
“For reals?” I asked. “Who lives there?”
“No one. It’s abandoned.”
“How do you know?” Doris asked.
“Because it’s empty. My brother and I walked around the veranda looking in all the windows.” Lynn gathered us in closer. “Shhhh! I don’t want anyone else to know about it.”
“I want to see it!” Claire whispered.
“Me, too!”
Love the idea. In the first paragraph I would change: A spell had been cast, and I had no choice but to obey. Sit on my veranda, and let me tell you a story. TO:Sit on my veranda, and let me tell you a story. A spell had been cast.... To me that keeps you engaged into the story more. My only other thing is that in the first bit of dialogue I want to know why they are so concerned with a mansion. What is the big deal, that kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good start though and I would keep reading. Congrats
I actually wasn't hooked until the second paragraph. The first paragraph felt bogged down and forced. Perhaps start with: "Lynn was actually the first to discover the house." And go from there. I'm more intrigued by the girls (the L twins) than I am by the house. I would keep reading this story.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is nice, but the usage of 'foreboding', 'sinister', and 'trepidation', all in the first two sentences, feels overdone. I think the paragraph should be moved further into the story, the moment she sees it. Also, for me, it would be smoother if you replaced 'trepidation' and made "Come, girl. Don't be afraid." and "Sit on my veranda, and let me tell you a story." italicized. I'm not sure that the last sentence of the first paragraph is really working, and I suggest taking it out. It seems a bit melodramatic, especially for the beginning of the book.
ReplyDeleteYour second paragraph is better, and, I agree, a good place to start the story. There are really only two things that stood out in this paragraph. One, the phrase "We couldn't have been more different," is cliched, and should be shown, not told. I'd just take out that whole sentence. Second, the sentence "I wouldn't have survived at Saint Benedict's without her." would flow better as "I wouldn't have survived Saint Benedict's without her." Just little things. =)
I think your dialogue is believable, which is great, I'd just switch around "'I swear. There's a mansion over there. It's huge.'" and "I was standing with Doris and Claire in the girls' line when Lynn ran over and cut in.", and take care of the "swear/there" rhyme in the first piece of dialogue.
The only other thing I saw was in the last couple lines. I suggest changing it from:
“Because it’s empty. My brother and I walked around the veranda looking in all the windows.” Lynn gathered us in closer. “Shhhh! I don’t want anyone else to know about it.”
“I want to see it!” Claire whispered.
“Me, too!”
to:
“Because it’s empty. My brother and I walked around the veranda, looking in all the windows.”
“I want to see it!” Claire said.
“Shhhh!" Lynn gathered us in closer. "I don’t want anyone else to know.”
“I want to see it,” Claire whispered.
“Me, too.” (maybe insert who says this. I'm guessing it's Letty, but I'm not sure.)
Other than that, great job, and I'd probably read on. I wouldn't say I'm hooked, but I'd definitely give it at least the first couple pages to do that.
"The first time I saw the house it filled me with foreboding as if something sinister lay ahead. As I approached with trepidation, it seemed to beckon me. Come, girl. Don’t be afraid. A spell had been cast, and I had no choice but to obey. Sit on my veranda, and let me tell you a story. I knew then that somehow that house would bury its soul within me and haunt me for the rest of my life."
ReplyDeleteTo me, you've told me the ending right here. Now I don't have any motivation to read further.
I've read that this type of writing is called authorial intrusion. It can work. I'm not sure it does here, though.
My question is this: Is this the right place to start the story?
I'm not hooked either, though I suspect this is YA/MG, therefore I'm not your target audience. The 'mysterious house' idea doesn't hook me either, again, probably because I'm not your audience, though partly because I've seen something like this before in the crits.
ReplyDeleteI would swap your third and fourth paragraphs around though. It sounds like Lynn is there talking, then she runs over. To me, it makes more sense if she runs over, then speaks.
Not really hooked. The first paragraph should be cut, for all the reasons the others said.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, I sighed at *another* most-popular-in-school character...but then I was pleasantly surprised to find that the popular character was her best friend. That's more unusual. :-)
But then, I found it rather strange that a huge mansion could be a secret. Huge mansions, being huge, are usually NOT a secret. :-) So I think you need something to explain why a huge mansion could have been missed for so long.
I wish the two girls could discover the mansion together. Perhaps her brother had told her about a creepy old mansion, and Letty and Lynn discover it together in the first paragraph. Perhaps one of them is more bold, the other more frightened, thinking this is one dumb idea. Show us their trepidation, rather than tell us about it. I think this approach will let the reader get that shivery feeling along with the girls. But, yes, I think you've got something good going here.
ReplyDeleteI was concerned about telling the reader to come sit on the veranda while the writer tells them a story. It broke the reality for me. It took me out of the story, rather than immersing me in it.
I pretty much agree with the others. The premise of your story is interesting, but the writing needs tightened in order to truly hook me.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence, for example, should stop at foreboding. The as if clause is just repeating what foreboding means.
I'm keep going.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, you need something to set off the places where someone/something is talking to the narrator. Italics would help a lot.
I was too confused to get past the first paragraph. Who's pov is this: the mc or the house? I got both out of the first paragraph. But you might have a good premise here. Good luck with your story!
ReplyDelete