TITLE: Hells Half Acre
GENRE: Paranormal Suspense
The cold breeze that sent goose bumps across my inner thighs told me that I wasn’t alone. Something or better yet someone was trying to sneak a peak at my downstairs.
“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
I looked down and there between my legs staring up my knee length turquoise silk halter dress was Luke. His ghostly form wasn’t solid so I couldn’t hit him, but I could damn well try.
“LUKE SHORT you no good dead bastard, get away from me.” I stomped my foot and closed my legs shut.
When I looked up there was a tourist staring at me. Just wonderful! I was getting tired of Luke doing things like this in front of people. It made everybody think I was crazy!
It was a little late for a tourist to be out but then the Stockyard Rodeo was getting ready to start. Hopefully he wasn’t another local that would tell everyone the crazy girl was out.
“Buddy you got a problem?”
The man was a clear broadcaster, I got his scared shitless thoughts loud and clear. He‘d been told the locals get wild after dark. He was about to find out just how wild.
“You’d better turn tail and get out of here. and back to your hotel Mister. The locals DO get wild around here at night.”
I grinned and took a step forward causing him to stumble backward and then run like hell away.
One idiot male down, one to go.
This has possibilities, but I'm really confused. Is Luke Short a midget ghost? Too many adjectives: knee length turquoise silk halter dress? "Closed my legs shut" is redundant. What's a "clear broadcaster?" Why would a rodeo be getting started when it is too late for tourist to be out? Did the main character get goose bumps from the cold breeze or from the feeling that she wasn't alone? I'd start with, "Goose bumps . . ."
ReplyDeleteSome similar thoughts...but guessing "clear broadcaster" means you main character is a mind reader. Also liked the last line a lot, "One idiot male down, one to go."
ReplyDeleteReview your descriptions to see what may be redundant. Like mentioned above, "closed my legs shut" is one.
ReplyDelete'The cold breeze that sent goose bumps'. Goose bumps generally come only from cold breeze. Not that these are bad, it's just that trimming them might allow for better flow.
Feeling the rush of goose bumbs across my inner thighs I knew I wasn't alone.
Perhaps italisizing 'clear broadcaster' might help clue the reader that the term is special.
Some other suggestions on edits...
Told the locals get wild after dark, he was about to find out how wild.
I grinned and stepped forward. Stumbling backward, he ran like hell.
Is this Y/A or MG? If not, you may want to consider it as the style seems more gauged toward that age range.
I'm not hooked. The writing was solid and flowed well. There were a couple of sticking points that might just be personal taste. Starting with a ghost staring at someone's nether parts seemed like too much of a gimmick. Then the girl also hears thoughts in addition to seeing ghosts. I'm feeling that this story isn't unfolding naturally.
ReplyDeleteThen she chases off a guy who's just standing there and calls him an idiot. That didn't endear her to me. It makes me wonder why the narrator is being set up as such a cranky, know-it-all character. Something to make the reader sympathize with her may help the opening for me.
Not hooked. I don't care for the idea and language, but on top of that, the grammar problems and un-natural dialogue bogged me down.
ReplyDeleteI am not hooked. I don't usually read this particular genre though, so take that into consideration as you read this comment. Does one usually get goose bumps on the inner thighs? Mine are usually on the arms. By clear broadcaster what do you mean? Maybe make that more obvious to people like me that might decide to read your book. (because we heard how well written it was from others who had read it first).Good luck.
ReplyDeleteActually I was hooked. I didn't know exactly what was going on, so wanted to continue reading. In fact, I think we learn quite a bit about the protagonist - we know a "ghostly" figure is harassing her, we know she's a "broadcaster," we know how she dresses. That's a lot for the first 250 words! Do be careful with punctuation and grammar errors though. Readers can be put off by them. And you really, really don't want to annoy your readers.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think the story idea has a lot of possibilities; unfortunately, I had trouble getting past all the missing punctuation (I am in North America, where we like to use commas to place phrases in apposition and to separate clauses and such -- I know there are somewhat different conventions in some other places). I also found the dialogue forced and some of the description too much (or, at some points, redundant).
I didn't have any trouble with "clear broadcaster", though: it seems clear to me in the context of the story that it means the narrator can read thoughts or auras or similar and is able to "read" this particular tourist very clearly.
Oddly, I had trouble with your first three paragraphs but was fine with the rest. Mainly because your opening is more telling than showing.
ReplyDeleteTry: "A cold breeze sent goose bumps across my inner thighs, like someone breathing up my skirt. I looked down. There, between my legs, staring up at my knee length halter dress, was Luke. He had an appreciative grin on his face."
Saying words like "that" and "told me" weakens the punch of your words. And your first sentence of dialogue is forced. So cut it out. We know she's angry. I think any girl who finds someone looking up their skirt would be.
Show it. Don't tell. Go on to show your MC stomping her heel straight through Luke's face and it going through his transparent head instead of telling the reader that it's not going to work anyway. Then we'll get that he's a ghost without you ever mentioning it.
I got why the MC did that to the other guy. If everyone in town didn't believe that I saw ghosts and the supernatural, I'd give them glares so they'd back away and not ask me questions. The less they know is generally the better. Plus she just got her skirt looked up by a ghost who obviously teases her a lot, but she can't explain her reactions to other living people. I could see her start not to bother trying to justify, and getting tired of all the looks. This must be, what? Her hundredth stare like that?
For kicks, add in a little more detail when she scares the tourist away. Maybe an obviously, over the top grin. I kind of see her taking a sharp half step forward (like those you purposely do to scare little kids and go "boo!") and then dropping the act after he leaves and muttering under her breath "idiot."
... Maybe this makes me a mean spirited person to suggest that. I'd read on out of curiosity. This is usually my genre. :)
There seems to be promise, so i might read on, but some parts were sticky.
ReplyDeleteI think that " 'The locals DO get wild around here at night.' " is rather redundant.
This has promise. But also a bit confusing. Can you really get goose bumps on your inner thighs only? The halter dress description was too much and distracting. And then the quotes without the tags made me re-read to see who's word's they were. Tighten it up a bit and you should be set! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI like your voice and the pervy ghost. I'm hooked, but there's a few things that tripped me up in the writing:
ReplyDeleteeg. peak=mountain. You want peek.
A few too many adjectives about the dress.
I think you need a few extra commas in:
"Something, or better yet, someone, was trying to sneak a peek at my downstairs."
Apart from that I liked it!
I really want this to be funny. It leans that way--a pathetically perverted ghost who won't leave this girl alone in public? I'm all over it.
ReplyDeleteI know the problem is trying to get us to see that in the first 250 words, but the worst thing you can do is slam that in the first 250 words. I agree with the show don't tell idea. How is she crazy? I want to see it...right now, she isn't doing enough. I want to be the person at the bus stop who says, "WTF is wrong with her? Someone call 911."
I also agree with the spelling stuff, but who am I? I had an error in the first sentence. Happy writing!