TITLE: Obsidian
GENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Skye is crying. Skye doesn’t cry, at least not in front of me. When Skye is upset entire forests disappear, caves collapse, but tears do not fall. We have been together for over one hundred and fifty years and I’ve never seen her like this. Why is she distressed? Her sapphire eyes glisten as she stares at me. Tears flow down her light blue snout and over her silver underbelly. They pool on the floor between her feet. She unfurls her great wings and shakes her head, sending drops flying across the cave. I move forward to comfort her. She inhales sharply and flames fly. I duck to avoid them. What did I do?
“Skye, what’s wrong?” I ask and creep closer to her.
“Don’t move,” she growls back.
My vision blurs. I blink and I can see her clearly. She folds her up her wings and moves her body backward toward the front of the cave. Forgetting to duck, she strikes her head on the ceiling showering the floor with small stalactites. All the light disappears as her body fills the entrance.
I try again, “Is this about last night? I can wait, taking a human form isn’t urgent.”
She roars. “Yes it is. You can no longer wait.” She lies down on the floor and whimpers. “You’re going to leave me and you’re not going to come back. We can never be together again.”
“Why not?”
“Because, your majesty, you just became king.”
I like this. You did a good/smooth job of supplying info. I'm guessing Skye's a dragon but like how you haven't said the word- only described her snout, her fire, her wings, her long life- keeps me guessing a bit, makes me figure it out instead of you telling me.
ReplyDeleteThe writings nice and tight but I'd skip the question lines. Why is she distressed? the dialogue line asks the same thing and does it in a more interesting way.
Besides, I like "never seen her like this" coming right before the description "Her sapphire eyes...
You can also skip I try again- that's obvious, no need to tell.
When Skye is upset entire forests disappear, caves collapse, but tears do not fall.
ReplyDeleteI *love* this line. Good luck! ;)
I'm going back and forth on this one. I think I'm intrigued enough to read more... but something about monsters (a dragon?) turning into humans confuses me... that said, I'd probably ask for additional pages to find out what's going on.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love the voice and the scene. The tension and stakes are very clear, and the characters are already likeable. I like it so much that the present tense doesn't even annoy me:) Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteGreat unique approach to the coming-of-age storyline. If a dragon king must serve time as a human, I'm already curious about what happens.
ReplyDeleteKate
I'm not a big fantasy reader, but I would definitely turn the page for this one! Sounds cool.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Love the not saying she’s a dragon. Love the epic level of sorrow. Especially love the distress over someone becoming king. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but I'm not loving the present tense.
ReplyDeleteSome people refuse to read 1st person, some people refuse to read present tense. I wouldn't go down both those roads together, thereby driving away some readers. Strictly a commercial perspective.
A lot of urban fantasy is written in 1st person, but I'd probably stick with past tense.
But other than that, it starts out well.
I'd never read it because of the genre but you did a good job setting up the novel here.
ReplyDeleteThe present tense kept me from being totally hooked. It also read a bit more like middle grade than YA, but I'd have to read more to be sure.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, the writing is strong and the conflict interesting.
On the fence. I like the hook of the story but the writing isn't super smooth to me. I happen to like dragon books, so that would make me ask for more and I'd hope the writing smoothed out.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked at "150 years". Also trying to imagine what kind of creature Skye is.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
I don't read this genre but I liked this. I didn't think they were dragons--I thought they were angels....they reminded me of two angel characters in Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. Those were intriguing characters.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've realized that I do read this genre if I'd read Phillip Pullman!
ReplyDeleteI love dragons, and writers who treat them as people and not just animals, so you've got my attention.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I like Skye, but I would keep reading to find out what happens to the new king.
I liked this. The second sentence is great, and I liked the idea of the human forms, and the fact he'd just become king and that was going to make things hard for her.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I feel sorry for Skye and want to know more about the new king. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteA typo: She folds her up her wings (extra her).