Wednesday, November 4, 2009

20 Secret Agent

GENRE: YA paranormal romance

I was halfway between the school and stadium, waiting for the crowd to thin, when I saw her. Somehow out of all the faces I never spoke to, I always noticed hers.

That familiar expression was there. The one I recognized because I felt it so often myself. Lonely, but resigned to the loneliness.

Tonight it was mixed with something else. Frustration, I thought.

It made her seem vulnerable, fragile in a way the subtle sadness didn’t.

I expected her to head into the stadium, walk within a few feet of where I stood. I braced for that. But she turned away, went back across the parking lot. Not to a car, not even into the school. She just kept walking, right out to the sidewalk.

I didn’t realize I’d moved too until I was halfway across the lot. Sometimes the pull was like that, out of my control.

But this wasn’t that, or not just that.

This was curiosity and concern. This was me being stupid, crossing lines.

I stopped, clenched my fists, reminded myself what carelessness could do. Then I followed her anyway.

I couldn’t talk to her, couldn’t know her, but I could make sure she got wherever she was going okay.

Sometimes it seemed like my life was one big dance, only the choreographer forgot to give me a part. That was how I felt that night, when I couldn’t find the pre-game barbecue, couldn’t find anyone – stuck on a stage, alone, with nothing to do.


  1. I enjoy the alternating points of view, but I'm already a little confused. Seth talking is a lot of prose-y backstory (seemingly), and not a whole lot of plot. I would read a little bit further, looking for the action.

  2. I liked this a lot. I enjoyed Seth's POV. I'm curious about the reason he must stay away from her.

    I think you nailed pulling the reader in, especially considering there's not a whole lot of action and no dialogue here. There's already a "longing" aspect, which is a must in any YA romance..add to that the mystery of what happened to Holly that night, and I'm hooked. I'd keep reading.

  3. Hmmm... so far, I like Holly's voice more than Seth's voice. I'm interested in how they're connected, though, and in the situation's Seth's describing, so I'd definitely read on.

  4. I liked this a lot! I love both Holly and Seth's voice, definitely hooked!

    I want to know why he can't know her.

  5. Seth’s a ghost, Holly’s a lonely girl. She’ll be able to see him, or something. Seems like a great set-up for a paranormal romance. I like Seth’s tone more than Holly’s – I think she should be more ordinary.
    I’d definitely read on.

  6. Not hooked. Seth's disjointed narration was distracting (can't he just pick a paragraph and go with it?), and I'm not a fan of the alternating points of view, at least in the way you present them here. We're all going to prefer one or the other, so instead of giving us the choice, you be the decision maker and pick one. But that's just my opinion, of course:)

  7. I'm with Krista. Also, Seth's angst left me totally uninterested in him as a person.

  8. I'd probably keep reading on, but waiting for some action or twist to pop up.
    I don't mind 2 POV's, but not sure if I entirely like the "Seth:" and "Holly:" approach to it. Perhaps, with different words or styles we'll know when it's Seth or Holly.

  9. I liked Seth's POV. I was surprised that I liked the short, choppiness of it.

    Holly seems interesting. I like the choreographer line.

    I'd give it a few more pages to see if things picked up a bit.

    Good luck

  10. Loved loved loved it. I was instantly hooked. I would love to read more.

    Good luck,


  11. I like the voice quite a bit. I feel like I knew who these characters were right away and that always helps launch a story well. And angst works in YA if done right. I kind of like imagining what someone resigned to her own loneliness might look like. Nice job.

  12. Hooked!
    Love Seth.
    Totally gets the dark YA angst feel down pat.
    Very nice.

  13. I like this. I admit I like Seth better and was a bit jarred when Holly entered the picture. Still, I'd keep reading . . . I really want to keep reading, can you send me the MS? LOL

  14. I liked it! I, too, liked Seth's voice more than Holly's, but then, I didn't get a lot of Holly so maybe that's why. Good job!

  15. Seth seems to be very empathetic character. Is Holly the girl he's following?

    Can you tell that I want to read more of this?

    Good job