TITLE: Of Oak and Dragons
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
When I was six years old, I found a human skull. A grownup would have shuddered and mentally filed the experience under the heading of a Real Bad Day. The kicker for me was the knife jutting from the empty eye socket. Finding something like that would give anyone years of bad dreams.
So I shouldn’t have been surprised when after several months of peace my screaming woke me again. Fifteen years after finding the bony skull, the nightmare was like the oh-surely-he’s-dead-now monster rising from a premature grave in a horror flick.
It was the cold hour before dawn. Ignoring my shaking hands, I straightened the bedspread, took one look at the rumpled result, groaned and pulled the sheets flat and straightened the blankets.
My whispering OCD nagged me to plump the pillows, but I resisted and headed for the shower, ignoring my racing heart and the disheartening realization that my wake up call from hell had returned.
Fifteen minutes later, I walked from the bathroom with towel-wrapped hair and wearing a tattered blue robe. It had been with me since junior high, witness to many episodes of teen-age angst and fallen movie heroes. And many mornings when I preferred to wake less abruptly, say with a jackhammer in my ear. I heard the rattle of cups and a chair drawn across the kitchen floor.
Eva sat at the table with her hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee, a newspaper spread on the table and an unopened bottle of my caffeinated drug of choice.
At first i thought "great opening line" but you lost me. i have logistical problems with the skull - if the knife is still sticking out, where's the rest of the body?
ReplyDeleteAlso, the "an adult would have thought.." line makes me think that the next line was "being a kid, I just thought it was cool..." and when I didnt't get that, it was a disconnect.
I also want a little more resolution on this. Did "you" tell anyone? if "you" kept it a secret, say so. If not, you open a whole new can of worm.
Good writing. Good details. I think just having a few outsiders check you on things like this would get you published.
I like the title and the opening line was really good. I also like the "heading of a Real Bad Day."
ReplyDeleteYou lost me on the second paragraph. You're jumping from age 6 to 21 with no transition at all. When I read the first sentence of paragraph 2, I was thinking she was 6 and had gone a few months without the bad dream.
The paragraph that starts..."Fifteen minutes later..." I was lost in that description as well. The robe information then to the cups rattling doesn't seem to flow.
That being said, I have to admit I want to know what's going on and would read more.
Good premise and I like your voice.
good luck!
Love the opening paragraph and the voice you show in this. I think the confusion in the transition is one sentence says several months, and the next, 15 years. I like how you show her OCDness (even if you tell me, which honestly, that could probably get cut and you still get the point across she's OCD).
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading in hopes something exciting will happen soon.
I agree with the other posters. You have some nice details and descriptions here. The transition from six years old to 21 could be smoothed, I think, by doing something like this ... "Finding something like that would give anyone years of bad dreams. Fifteen of them, to be exact."
ReplyDeleteI'm certainly wondering what is going to happen and why it's taken fifteen years to occur.
Best of luck!
I think you have some nuggets of really great stuff in here, with the skull, the robe, whispering OCD, but the images don't get all connected for me. I think I need more transitions, as the other posters have mentioned, particularly with the transition from six years old and 21. I'm even tempted to suggest that you start with age 21, just so the reader isn't abruptly jumping around.
ReplyDeleteI also don't think you need cues like "fifteen minutes later." Things like that can be assumed.
All that said, I do want to know more about the skull, what the dreams consist of, and what this will all lead to.
Thanks for sharing! And good luck.
Love your voice. Even though this seemed a bit disjointed and more tell than show, I'd read a little farther. Mostly hooked then.
ReplyDeleteI loved the title!
ReplyDeleteThe writing, I think, is not cohesive enough. You give us a skull, (nice opening parg!), then bad dreams, then wander off into reality, (shower, robe, cofee.) What is important here? What do you want me to know so I can understand where the story is going?
If it's the dream, perhaps give a snippet of what the dream was about. If it's the skull, perhaps a bit more info there. Is it what happened to her after she found the skull? Whatever it is, spend more time on that. Make it enough of an issue that the reader knows this is what matters. This is what's important. Basically, give it more focus.
I was drawn in at first by your writing voice and the imagery of the skull, but then as she started going about her daily business, I got bored. Some things don't need to be spelled out, let the reader just assume. But keep going with this one. I think it has some good potential! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteBesides agreeing with what others said, I think the word "So" could be taken out. For some reason, I don't like reading that word in the first page of a book because it generally means there's a lot more of it to come.
ReplyDeleteI found each paragraph to be a great little story unto itself, but the connections between them felt jumpy.
ReplyDeleteYou might find that reading aloud helps you feel your way to a smoother overall story.
While I thought the opening graph was evocative, I thought starting with backstory weakened the scene. For me this clause, if you turned it into a sentence, seemed like it would be a great hook: after several months of peace my screaming woke me again.
ReplyDeleteThen you could ease in the info contained in the current opening graph without the disjointed change to present story time.
I think you have some nice imagery, and I'm getting a good feel for your character.
I'd keep reading.
A lot has already been covered by the other comments, so I'll be brief. I liked the beginning, but didn't see it smoothly transition from paragraph to paragraph. It seemed that you also went from 1st person to a 3rd person POV by calling her Eva, but then back to
ReplyDelete1st person in the same sentance I had to do a double take to make sure Eva was "I". It has great potential though and I feel like your description of the OCD was insightful and entertaining.
-Heather
I had a problem with skulls giving the MC screaming nightmares. Really? After all the horror movies? Now, if the skull still had skin on it and other flesh, that would up the long-lasting disturbance factor.
ReplyDeleteI feel curious to know more about where you are going with the story. I can't tell whether the protag is male or female. A 21 year old protag puts the story in an interesting place...is it YA, straight adult urban fantasy etc. I find the age a bit troublesome from the perspective of strategy and knowing how to label the ms.
ReplyDeleteThe intro is catchy and I'd keep reading to find out more :)
ReplyDeleteHappy Writing,
A. McElfresh
I really liked the voice of the first paragraph, but after that you lost me. I think some tightening and cutting would help.
ReplyDelete**So I shouldn’t have been surprised when after several months of peace my screaming woke me again. Fifteen years after finding the bony skull,** --- 'Several months' has me thinking this is several months after the original discovery; then you say 'fifteen years' and I have to go back, reread that first sentence and realize you mean she's had bad dreams for most of the past fifteen years, but not recently. Maybe rearrange this somehow so that we realize this is taking place 15 years later right away. Also, cut 'bony', it's redundant with 'skull'.
**It was the cold hour before dawn. Ignoring my shaking hands, I straightened the bedspread, took one look at the rumpled result, groaned and pulled the sheets flat and straightened the blankets.
My whispering OCD nagged me to plump the pillows, but I resisted and headed for the shower, ignoring my racing heart and the disheartening realization that my wake up call from hell had returned.**
--When you describe her straightening the sheets, I pictured her sitting in bed doing this. Might just be me, but you may want to clarify that she's gotten out of bed before she does this. I also think these two paragraphs could be combined/shortened somehow. You use 'ignoring' twice so it starts to feel a bit repetitive.
I'd cut the explanation of how long she's had the robe; it doesn't seem important/relevant and doesn't feel like a natural thought she would have at this point.
The first para was great and then I got a bit lost and the writing stopped moving along as fast. It was just a whole bunch of reflection on the skull, when at this point, I think it would be more interesting for the reader to learn how she found it, while she's drinking coffee. Lose the "This is the nightmare that haunts me, always" thing, as I'm sure you can show that in the rest of your novel.
ReplyDeleteOverall, though, I quite liked this. I think I might read a couple of pages on before deciding whether it's my cup of tea.
I think there isn't enough connection between the first and second paragraphs. They are both good, and the 1st para pulled me in, but then it didn't go anywhere before you jumped to the present. I don't think you've told enough about the skull, and what happened next there. So, I might read on just to find out more about the skull, but I"m not sure.
ReplyDelete