TITLE: The Mythmakers
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Isa concentrated on the two boxes inside the glass-topped showcase, both the size of her palm and decorated with ravens and a four-peaked castle. The plastic hangtags read: handcrafted in Scotland.
“Choose one.” The Ren faire merchant shoved up his doublet’s billowing sleeves, then took the boxes out.
Isa glanced past the display of battle axes and Viking costumes to the curtained dressing room at the rear of the vendor’s tent. “It’s for her,” she whispered so her friend, Poppy, wouldn’t hear. “How much are they?”
He set the boxes on the counter, covering them with his hands like a magician preparing to make them disappear. “You’re the storytellers, aren’t you?” he asked.
Uncertain how this related to the price of the boxes, Isa only nodded.
“This morning, I caught your first show. Lady or the Tiger, that was the tale, wasn’t it?”
Isa nodded again. “I could give you twenty down and pick it up on Wednesday.”
The merchant fluttered his fingers dismissively. “Your show made my day. They should be seventy-five, but you can have either box for fifty.” His eyes narrowed until they disappeared into the shadows of his bar-pierced brows. “Just know this, the value isn’t the box itself, it’s what’s inside. And each contains something different.”
With a rustle of canvas, the dressing room curtain opened and Poppy sashayed out, her long skirt swishing, a spangled bra-top and a purple bustier draped over her arm.
Sorry. So far it's a story about shopping. Not very intriguing. All I know about the protagonist is that she's a storyteller. I'm sorry, but there's no drama here to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually care for shopping stories either, but I'm hooked. I really want to know what the boxes contain. And I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteSome beautiful description of the boxes. Well done!
ReplyDeleteJust not sure what the story is about...maybe a hint early on?
It’s at a Ren Faire, which hooked me, and I liked the mystery of the boxes. From Isa’s comments, I can tell she’s new to this, and that drew me in as well. What I’m seeing here is some sort of mysterious goings on, possibly between the fey and humans, in the tradition of the Night Carnival, but at a Ren Faire. Hooked totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, and I could picture it right away, which I love. I didn't understand what "ren faire" meant, but it didn't take away from my meaning of the story.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked enough to want to read more. Good luck!
I LOVE the idea of a fantasy that starts at a Refaire - I'm hoping it plays into the fantasy element of it. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this quite a bit. A few little nitpicky things:
ReplyDeleteYou could simply say "display case" instead of "glass-topped showcase." I had to think that one through to hard because it somehow blended with the rest of the description of the boxes and threw me. Also, both seems to modify showcase instead of boxes. I think the word order is just a bit off. Once I made it past this paragraph, I was totally in the story.
"Uncertain how this related to the price of the boxes" is telling. I think you could leave that off just fine. Just say, "Isa nodded."
Because it confuses me that she offers money down before he gives her a price, I'd change the sentence order a bit near the end to something like this:
Isa nodded again.
“Your show made my day. They should be seventy-five, but you can have either box for fifty.”
“I could give you twenty down and pick it up on Wednesday.”
The merchant fluttered his fingers dismissively. His eyes narrowed until they disappeared into the shadows of his bar-pierced brows. “Just know this, the value isn’t the box itself, it’s what’s inside. And each contains something different.”
But still, I'm hooked.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGot hooked at the suggestion that something is in the boxes and liked Poppy with her spangled bra and purple bustier.
I kind of liked the description of the boxes...I am expecting them to be the catalyst for adventure. Poppy's entrance into the story breaks the spell a bit but I feel hooked overall. I think the setting could be fun.
ReplyDeletePoppy is wearing a top right?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'd keep reading, but I'm not really your audience. I liked the idea of a contemporary fantasy beginning at a renaissance fair. It gives some of the traditional fantasy feel while still being in contemporary times.
I'm hooked. I want to know what in the boxes and what they can do. Your descriptions are really nice. I agree with Secret Agent that the appearance of Poppy jarred the scene a bit. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I was kind of thrown off by Poppy's entrance but other than that, I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete