TITLE: Troy of Helena
GENRE: MG Adventure
“If Aunt Gutsy is so crazy, why are you dumping us there for the summer! Mom would never--”
“Aunt Guts . . . Aunt Gusty is not crazy. She’s . . . uh . . . unique.”
Dad’s eyes nailed mine in the rearview mirror. “Look, Troy,” he said, “We’re lucky to have her in the family.”
“But we’re family now: you, me, Chloe. We should stick together.”
How couldn’t he see that?
I kicked the back of the passenger seat where my big sister Chloe sat.
For six weeks I’d tried to change his mind, but the stubborn trait isn’t just present in the Burke family gene pool—it does laps. And so, on a Friday in June, we were on our way to the farm.
I’d packed light.
As the Taurus barreled down Interstate 15, I resumed my attempts at persuasion.
“There won’t be anything to do there,” I said. “No cable. No internet. No— ”
“No whining! Please!” Dad said. “You don’t know what I’d give to spend a month in the country.”
“So do it!” I said, but I knew he wouldn’t.
Augusta Burke is my dad’s aunt which makes her my great-aunt. Only I didn’t think getting dumped on her farm for the summer was so great. I continued my protest with a major point.
“She smells.”
Dad sucked in his breath and held it. He does that every time his boss Grimsby calls him at home.
“Show some respect,” Dad finally said.
Chloe looked over the back of the seat.
Okay, I love the nicknames Aunt Gutsy and Aunt Gusty, but my first thought was that you had a typo. That might just be me, though, and I figured it out pretty quickly
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern is that you have eyes nailing eyes. In one of my writing books, an editor devoted a section to the impossible (and painful) things that writers shouldn't do to eyeballs.
I thought the interaction between Troy and his dad was believable, and I'm anticipating Chloe's reaction to it. I'd keep reading.
I like this! You might give a little more indication about Aunt Gutsy's :-) weirdness. I'd love to know a few things he packed after the line "I packed light."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Great voice and dialogue. I really care about the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion: I think you can tighten up the pacing in the first page of your story by cutting some of the dialogue and the sentences that tell vs. show.
For example, I'd lose dad saying:
“Aunt Guts . . . Aunt Gusty is not crazy. She’s . . . uh . . . unique.”
Instead, Jump right to:
Dad’s eyes nailed mine in the rearview mirror. “Look, Troy,” he said, “We’re lucky to have her in the family.” [LOVE IT.]
You might also consider deleting the line:
"How couldn’t he see that?"
We already know he couldn't see that....
Can't wait to read more.
I like the voice. Not someone I would personally relate to, but a likable voice to listen to.
ReplyDeleteThe spacing was picking at me a bit. I think there were a bit too many one liner sentences. Examples, "I kicked the back of the passenger seat where my big sister Chloe sat", "I'd packed light", "As the Taurus barreled down Interstate 15..."and so on. Unless the sentences are singled out for dramatic effect, like say, the line "How couldn't he see that?" it feels like it breaks up the story too much, disrupting the flow.
Otherwise, weird Aunts are a go. Usually that leads to something to pretty exciting. I think I'd read more.
I'd read more. I like his voice. You hooked me when he said, "She smells."
ReplyDeleteThis story has a lot of potential to be a disaster for this poor kid. What kid would want to spend a summer with their old, smelly aunt on a farm with no internet? And of course, disasters like this can be MG reader gold.
ReplyDeleteBy the way: "She smells" - awesomely funny line!
There could be a bit more tightening. There's no need to interrupt the conversations by telling the reader they're barreling down Interstate 15, for instance. Or saying things like "I continued my protest with a major point." Let the dialogue and interactions between Troy and his dad play out naturally.
Otherwise, I think this is a strong opening. You've succeeded in establishing the character and his voice, the problem, and provided a lot of other good details on other character in the story in a short amount of space.
Good luck!
I'm intrigued, but I'd love more of a hint of the adventure to come.Great voice. I loved "isn't just present in the Burke family gene pool - it does laps."I also liked the nicknames for the aunt but was surprised the dad, who thought he should show some respect, would call her "Aunt Guts." Wouldn't he be correcting them instead? Fun start!
ReplyDelete