TITLE: The Comic Adventures of Ruby Bella Brown
GENRE: Humorous middle grade, contemporary
I’d eat worms or kiss a gross boy like Stinky Gorman to make sure my eleventh birthday won’t be another suck-a-rama. Visions of last years’ ditch-a-thon race through my head. Daisy killed my Peanut and Butter comic and made me feel like a talent-less loser…until Julia became my replacement best friend. But with Julia by my side, today will be better. It has to be!
Daisy takes out a mirror and paints on another layer of lip-gloss. Now’s my chance. I slide onto a bench on the other side of the cafeteria, take out a colored pencil, and open my sketchbook. School starts in seven minutes, and I need my favorite superheroes to show me how to stop my evil ex-best friend from ruining another birthday.
Daisy slams into my shoulder. “Ow!” My sketchbook falls on the floor. I lunge for it, but Daisy’s faster.
I have to get it back. Now!
I grab the side of my sketchbook. Daisy’s sidekick, Kate, knocks my hand away and stands between us like a brick wall.
Daisy flips through the pages and laughs. “Is that scribble supposed to be me? These stupid comics are even more pathetic than the ones you drew in kindergarten.”
She’s lying. She has to be lying!
Out of the corner of my eye, I see kids staring. They’re moving closer, to see what’s going on. I can’t let this happen again. After Daisy killed Peanut & Butter, I couldn’t draw anything for a month.
I like the action in this story and the voice. I am very interested in how the superheroes she creates help her overcome her evil ex-best friend and other situations. I did have to read the first paragraph several times as it was confusing - too much crammed into one paragraph. I almost wondered if starting out at paragraph 2 would be more clear. The term "suck-a-rama" felt like forced mg speak rather than natural.ReplyDelete
I like the voice. It has a youthful tone to it. However, I wouldn't say it is the youthful tone of an eleven-year-old. The situation sounds like they'd be a little older like 12, 13, or 14. But that just might be me. It was the MC's voice and the mentioning of dabbing on lip gloss that made me wonder about the age.ReplyDelete
Also, a tiny tidbit, there is "Peanut and Butter" and then at the end you have "Peanut & Butter". To keep up with consistency, I think it would be good to stick to one of these spellings.
Still, I think this has potential. In the next scene, I would think we're going to find out how exactly Daisy has killed the MC's previous comic. Good luck!
You have some tense issues which make it hard to get into the story.ReplyDelete
I'd eat worms to make sure my eleventh birthday wouldn't be...But with Julia by my side today would be better. It had to be.
I'll eat worms to make sure my eleventh birthday won't be...But with Julia by my side, today will be better. It has to be!
I wonder why Daisy is so mean. And I like that she has a sweet name and she's really nasty. And I like that your main character is drawing comics.
But I'm wondering why she takes out her sketch book in front of her evil ex best friend when she knew what happened last year?
A good start. Keep getting it critiqued and keep polishing it.
Great voice! I love the comic drawing as a way to figure out her life. Taking out a mirror to apply lipgloss threw me a bit. I could maybe see the lipgloss for an eleven year old and I know we aren't supposed to like Daisy. She's vain and mean. I did wonder about the age. Thinking maybe Daisy was older. But nice set up for interesting characters.ReplyDelete
Fun idea -- I love that she draws superheroes to help her figure out how to solve her problems. I was confused by the first paragraph, too, and also thought starting with the second paragraph seemed more concrete and interesting. I did like the first sentence, however. I don't think you need, "I have to get it back. Now!" We know that already. This sounds really intriguing overall!ReplyDelete