TITLE: Children of Annwn:The Promise
GENRE: YA romantic fantasy
In twenty-five minutes and thirty-six-seconds Mia Leronde was embarking on the most terrifying quest of her life by becoming human. The Wise Elders agreed, The Promise an ancient ritual could take place in the fragile world of mortals, as long as her magic and memories were suppressed. Ryder her betrothed would bring about the awakening at a set time and providing they fulfilled their promise to keep their love alive, and save mankind from extinction. They would return home. Mia was one of the last of her kind, a Guardian of Annwn, a peace-keeper of her world and the mortals. Only those with the strongest magic were given such a prestigious role. The roar of the ocean as it crashed against the rocks echoed inside her ears, and she stared as the white foam fizzled and dissolved into the sand. Usually, the sheer power of nature revived her, but today there was nothing but despair. Her hands trembled as she raised them pointing out at the sea. Staring at the raging waters, her heart raced alongside the in-coming tide. Breathing in the saltiness of the sea, she focused all her magic to still the rushing water imagining herself as the ferocious waves. The water stopped, and her uneven and irregular heart-beat settled.
It was dawn and the start of a brand new day.
By sun set, Mia would be mortal and her existence easily extinguished like a flame..
I love this premise. That being said, I think you can re-work this to make it much stronger. The action should start at the beginning. The action is Mia holding her hands over the waves. Intersperse only a little of the information you give us right at the beginning among the description of what she is doing. Draw that stuff out so your readers keep reading to find out what is going on. Also, be careful of run-on sentences. Varying length can give your opening a better feel for pace and urgency. For instance, the first sentence is much stronger if you shorten it to "In twenty-five minutes and thirty-six-seconds Mia Leronde was embarking on the most terrifying quest of her life." Watch for typos - the following is not a complete sentence. "Ryder her betrothed would bring about the awakening at a set time and providing they fulfilled their promise to keep their love alive, and save mankind from extinction."
ReplyDeleteI love your story and think this has great promise. Good luck!
I love the story premise and the poetic tone. I am sure this is going to be a terrific story. However, you got your first page all wrong.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the beginning sounds like a summary. I suggest you start by the action and the character arc, then add a few hints at her situation as you go.
Second, the fact that she is going to be transformed into a mortal, that's you hook. What does she feel about it? Show this happening.
Third, another paragraph should start at "The roar of the ocean ..."
Good luck :)
Reading this extract from your novel instantly draws me in, I love fantasy books and the premise sounds so interesting and unique. My one question would be why twenty-five minutes and thirty-six-seconds. Would it not be better to simple say “Mia Leronde will embark on the most terrifying quest of her life” .
ReplyDeletePlease let me know how I can read more?
Marry
marrywilson76@outlook.com
Marry-I agree and I have removed the time and it makes me realize I have spent too much time re-hashing the beginning.
ReplyDeleteLaura and Sussu-thanks for the lovely comments and again I have edited the piece to work as per your suggestions.
The roar of the ocean as it crashed against the rocks echoed inside Mia Leronde’s ears, and she stared as the white foam fizzled and dissolved into the sand. Usually, the sheer power of nature revived her, but today there was nothing but despair. Her hands trembled as she raised them pointing out at the sea. Staring at the raging waters, her heart raced alongside the in-coming tide. Breathing in the saltiness of the sea, Mia called out to her magic stilling the rushing water as, she imagined herself as the ferocious waves. The water stopped, and her uneven and irregular heart-beat settled.
It was dawn the start of a new day.
By sunset, Mia would be mortal and her existence easily extinguished like a flame.
“Are you ready?” Mia turned at the sound of a deep husky voice, and gazed at Ryder her betrothed. He was tall, broad shouldered, and his eyes the color of roasted chestnuts. Their intense gaze reached into her soul and managed to melt her worries while stirring her heart to a fever pitch. She accepted his outstretched hand and smiled. He was her heart, and the reason they both stood on the shores of their home ready to cast everything they knew aside. Her toes curled into the silky grains of white sand like an anchor, but now she must let, go and set sail.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Ryder smoothed a rough hand across her cheek, and she closed her eyes.
Maybe it's my ADHD talking, but whenever I see a big chunk of text like this - especially at the very beginning of a novel - my eyes glaze over.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few grammatical errors right up front - e.g. "The Wise Elders agreed, The Promise an ancient ritual..." There's a comma missing there! Another two missing here: "Ryder her betrothed would bring about the awakening... etc"
It should be: Ryder, her betrothed.
Oops I just noticed you posted a newer version above. The paragraphs are more broken up, yay! But I still think it is overwritten, and there's another comma missing here:
"It was dawn the start of a new day".
And here:
"...and gazed at Ryder her betrothed."
Intriguing premise, the girl becoming human, but maybe work on simplifying your prose - and keep a sharp eye on the commas :)
I love the premise of this, but I think that the action should start right from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that is one long paragraph in the beginning which made my eyes hurt as I read it. Try to cut it down so that there is more white space to help the reader's eyes.
Dear EHayes and Cheree Smith, thanks for your comments. I love the story of Mia and Ryder too! I totally agree with the length of the prose, and I have shuffled the first page around to show more action. It is hard to convey everything you want in the first 250 words. Thanks again for all the advice. x
ReplyDeleteI agree that the info dump at the beginning really turned me off. One I got past that it was really quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe revised beginning in the comment section is MUCH stronger, but I still feel like the first paragraph is a little too dense.
What would happen if you started with:
"Mia Leronde’s hands trembled as she raised them, pointing out at the sea."
There's some beautiful imagery here with the ocean, but it comes a little too late. The first half of this is all back story and may be better revealed by backing up the story a few hours and letting her have a conversation with The Elders or her lover. Or hold some of those details for later and let them be unfolded with the story. There's the promise of a good story here, but the writing needs some tightening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to look at what you've written and simplify it.
ReplyDeleteWho is your MC?
Mia Leronde. SImplify to Mia. We can get her last name later.
WHere is she?
On the shore.
What's she doing?
Staring out to sea.
Why?
She's nervous about becoming a mortal.
Now use that info to write your first parg.
Mia stood on shore looking out to sea. In twenty-five minutes and thirty-six seconds she would become human.
You've introduce your character and her problem, as well as a bit of suspense, in two sentences.
Now you can build on that in the following pargs. by showing us the crashing waves and how she stills them, and Ryder interrupting, etc.
If you start out writing simple, you'll get in the things that need to be there, then you can always add more to create mood and atmosphere later. If you put it all in at once, it's too easy to get sidetracked, and tell too much, and go into description overload.
This is a lot of information up front. Give us a moment, a detail or image to pull us into the world of your story. Allow us to experience something through your protagonist’s eyes. To me, this reads more like back-cover copy, a summery of the important facts of the story, rather than a moment within your tale. Do we absolutely need to know all of this information immediately, or can some of it be revealed more gradually, as we get to know your characters and their world? Some sentences run-on a bit; punctuation to break up the longer phrases might help the selection to read smoother, e.g. "...the most terrifying quest of her life: becoming human." or "The Wise Elders agreed. The Promise, an ancient ritual, could take place in the fragile world of mortals..."
ReplyDeleteJennie,
ReplyDeleteI just read the rewrite (up) and was taken aback by the beautiful description of the ocean, Your writing is powerful and poetic. I love it. That's a promise for me, the promise that the rest will be rich in images and emotions. I liked the feelings you managed to pass through the first paragraphs. This being said, I know that it will not work as an opening of a novel because most people do not like descriptions; they like action. I suggest you start with the second paragraph and the character arc. Strong beginning. I wish I could read more :)
Dear Secret Agent, Barbara, Sussu, Danielle, and Heidi, thank you, all for all, the advice and the lovely comments. I will run with your suggestions and make it work.
ReplyDeleteI do like to paint pictures, but I have learnt that I need to engage the reader straight away with action, and then slip in the details.
I am working on those pages right now!
I wrote a whole big critique before I read your rewrite, which I thought was was MUCH stronger. very lyrical, with more emotion.
ReplyDeleteThe original was too much world-building and not enough action and emotion for me. Also, the pointing at the ocean part didn't seem to have anything to do with beginning her quest. In the rewrite, that's not a problem.
Attention to sentence structure, paragraphs, and commas might help your story flow smoother.
Tighten, and eliminate one of the "as"s: The ocean's roar echoed inside Mia Leronde’s ears as she stared at the white foam fizzling and dissolving into the sand.
Delete: "Staring at the raging waters, her heart raced alongside the in-coming tide." You already used "staring" and mentioned waves coming in.
Still working and not sure if this would be better if was the 4th paragraph down?
ReplyDeleteMia shivered as cold settled in her bones and icy tentacles locked inside her throat rendering her speechless. The roar of the ocean blasted in her ears. The fierce wind whipped around them and Emrys one of the Wise Elders appeared.
His usually kind face was devoid of emotion. He was pale and dark shadows lingered like bruises under his blue eyes. The waves parted, and Mia looked into the distance.
A land she had never seen before heralded and bright lights twinkled.
“It’s not too late to change your mind. We can look at another way to complete your challenge, but once you enter their world, your memories of Annwn and Ryder will be locked away inside your mind until the awakening. The spell will be cast from the moment we leave, and I cannot say how old you will be. The magic in this area is unpredictable, but I will aim for you to be teenagers once more,” Emrys dipped his head low and his gravelly voice wavered.
“So we will be human?”She let go of Ryder’s hand and grabbed his cotton shirt, tugging him closer.
“Mia, you’ll always be you, but as you step into the human world your immortality is relinquished. Your magic suppressed. Memories of Annwn and Ryder will disappear. You will experience life as every other human, and face the challenges their world has. I will guide your path toward each other, but it’s your love for Ryder that will help overcome the obstacles in your way to true love,” Emrys said.