TITLE: Mind Freaks
GENRE: YA
An orderly enters the ward, his footsteps echoing in the silence. I lay back on my bed, praying for the orderly to be one that didn’t have a personal vendetta against me. I don't have time for petty vendettas today.
The thin sheet scratches against my arms as I wait. I’ve had the sheet set since I got here, nearly ten years ago. You’d think the institution would have given me a new set by now but I’m really clean so it’s not like they look infected. I’d debated messing them up so the orderlies would get scared that I would give them a disease of the mind and burn the sheets but I can’t stand the thought of the time it would take between having a disgusting bedspread and getting a new one.
Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me. Please God forgive me.
I shake myself out of the ritual. I needed to concentrate and I would not get sucked into repeating that phrase fifty times before I could move on. Ignoring the compulsion is difficult. The feeling of dread from not going on weighs on my chest, taking my breath, but I have more important things to do.
The door at the end of the hall shuts and the lock slams home as the orderly leaves the ward without even a pause at my door. Good. My rounds could now begin.
Can't tell if the MC is a boy or girl. Not sure if that matters or not.
ReplyDeleteInstead of using "orderly" again in the second sentence, maybe the person (i.e., the one with the tattoo or the one with the goatee)? Repeated "vendetta" in first paragraph. Maybe vary the word?
I felt a little sidetracked on the sheet part. Shortening that could make the pace pick up.
I liked the repeated phrase. Would the MC do something to himself to change his focus away from the words? Clench his nails into his palms?
Might not need "ignoring the compulsion" part, since the next line conveys that.
Love the ending and how it makes me wonder what the MC gets up to. I have no idea of where this is going, but want to go along for the ride.
Good luck!
The excerpt raises a lot of questions -- which hooked me right away. The narrator's been in the institution 10 years and this is a YA story, so was locked up when still in single digits. Makes me wonder why...
ReplyDeleteI thought you might want to look at the 2nd sentence of the 1st paragraph -- the word repetitions and structure made it feel a bit clunky. I don't know if the information about the sheets is important, but it took me out of the story for a moment -- wondering how the narrator knew they were the same set of sheets and if that was because they'd never been removed from the bed, never been washed. This may be the type of thing you want the reader to wonder, but if not, you may want to revise.
I'd definitely keep on reading -- I want to find out more about the narrator and his/her 'rounds'.
I agree with Liz Brown about saying 'the orderly' twice in a row. It's so much stronger if you just say: "I lay back on my bed, praying it wasn't the one who had a personal vendetta against me".
ReplyDeleteThen it's a little repetitive again, saying "I don't have time for petty vendettas today." You can just say, "I don't have time for that today", or something - no need to say vendettas twice.
The second paragraph reads a bit awkwardly. "I'd debated messing them up so the orderlies would get scared that I would give them a disease of the mind and burn the sheets but I can't stand the thought of the time it would take between having a disgusting bedspread and getting a new one" - 47 words! Yikes!
I'm thinking the MC is a teen who's been institutionalized for obsessive compulsive disorder, which I found a tiny bit hard to believe, because people with OCD aren't exactly a threat to society, are they? And institutionalizing people with OCD wouldn't really help them - outpatient behavioral therapy might. I wouldn't believe this at all if it's contemporary YA. If it's historical, or set in a different world, then I could suspend my disbelief.
Still, I like the way it ends - it made me wonder what her (or his) rounds were.
To address the above question- it is really a take on stigma in society and what would happen if Bedlam still existed. It isn't contemporary. One of the main points of the story is that she is not dangerous. I have OCD myself so I am aware of treatments for it and society's views of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great critiques!
I'm intrigued by orderly but not entirely hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph focuses a bit too much on the sheet(s) which is an interesting detail especially if this person has been where they are for 10 years and is uber clean but it feels as though there may be other ways to reflect this detail.
Would it be more advantageous to start at the rounds rather than waiting to do the rounds? I think in this type of YA novel there seems to be a world and a specific character with specific agendas and I'd like to know/see that sooner.
There's a strong mood to the opening, but there is too much left unsaid. What is the gender of this person? What is his/her age? What's wrong with him/her? Why would someone have a personal vendetta out against him/her? Also, it reads like the sheets haven't been washed in 10 years. A little mystery is good to keep the reader interested, but you don't want to be so vague that the reader gives up. We need something to cling to or relate to in order to carry us through to the next pages. There's definitely potential here, but the opening page needs some tweaks.
ReplyDeleteWow. Not sure what the h*ll is going on. But I'd definitely keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteThis "patient" has been in bed for 10 years and has only had one sheet. He (she?) is very clean, so I'm thinking he's in a coma or something?? So not sure how the sheets could scratch him without movement, or how he could mess them up. Or go on rounds! So maybe not a coma. (I wrote this before reading the other comments. I can see the OCD, but didn't consider that a kid would be locked up for it. The cleanliness makes more sense though, but no changes of sheets in 10 years??)
The please God forgive me repetition shows the MC's torment. Lots of good emotional buzzwords: vendetta, ritual, compulsion, dread.
Everything else is present tense so this phrase didn't sound right: I needed to concentrate and I would not get sucked into repeating that phrase fifty times before I could move on. Could be more immediate: I need to concentrate. I will NOT get sucked into repeating that phrase fifty times before moving on.
Other comments: I agree to eliminate the repetitions. // Delete "back" from the second sentence. Maybe change it to "still." // The switch from sheets to bedspread was confusing. // Think about breaking up the long last line of the second paragraph.
Definitely intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI got stuck on the fact that the MC has had the same sheets for 10 years. It made me think they'd never been cleaned. If your trying to use that to betray how neglectful the institution is, then it works. Otherwise, it needs to be addressed.
The third paragraph with the compulsive phrases felt very abrupt. There didn't seem to be a trigger for the MC to ask for forgiveness.
I think you could add some more detail about HOW the MC 'shakes' out of the ritual. It's obviously not easy, so I want to see how they accomplish it.
The last paragraph was great. It left me wanting to read more to find out about the 'rounds'.
Good luck!
This is an interesting set up, creepy and dark, but I'm afraid the writing doesn't feel as stringent as it might be.
ReplyDeleteWatch out for echoing "orderly" and "vendetta' twice in a few sentences.
I'd also consider rewording "praying for the orderly to be one that didn't have a personal vendetta against me," which feels a bit wordy. Maybe something like "praying this one was nicer than the rest" or some such?
Finally, the second paragraph has one or two run-on sentences. Maybe break these up into shorter phrases?