TITLE: A ROYAL TREASURE HUNT
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
Princess Cassandra's horse thundered along the green path, easily sidestepping the budding trees in the sparse forest. With a whoop, she glanced over her shoulder. Her friends never could keep up with her. She stopped her horse. "Come on, Kylie, Vance! You're too slow!"
"It's not fair," Vance grumbled. "Our workhorse has to carry two of us." He tsked with his tongue. "Horse thief."
His sister Kylie covered her mouth as she giggled.
"I'm not a thief! I'll bring the horse back like I always do." Cassandra crossed her arms, still holding onto the reins. Since her parents refused to give her a horse due to her running off, she was forced to "steal" from the pages. "Hurry! We don't have all day."
She wished they did. Ever since the three of them had decided to see all of the creatures in her bestiary up close, they had been sneaking out of Sun Haven every chance they could. So far, they hadn't seen any of the unusual creatures from her book.
Flicking her wrist, Cassandra urged her horse forward and weaved through the trees. Abruptly, the forest ended, and she stared down at the Falls, pulling back on the reins. The teal water flowed forward as it churned, wild and desperate. Like her. Obedient with her royal duties—most of the time—yet restless for adventure.
Today was far too glorious a day to be sad. She called over her shoulder, "Let's race to see who can find a magical creature first."
"Yes," Vance shouted.
"Hurry, Vance."
This is exactly the type of thing I would have wanted to read when I was of MG/YA age. I really like the setup. Everything feels smooth and flows nicely.
ReplyDeleteMy only critique is the line "'Yes,' Vance shouted"
It doesn't feel like a shout and I don't really understand why Vance shouted yes in the first place.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this!
Very cute. It's a nice start with setting and character. I can't offer anything other than I don't think the word sparse goes along with the rest of the forest description.
ReplyDeleteNice job!
I am immediately intrigued with the mention of sneaking out and the sentence “So far, they hadn’t seen any of the unusual creatures from her book,” which leads me to believe that this about to change, and that that is going to set off the story. Anticipation!
ReplyDeleteThe only real question I would raise here is whether or not the “hook” might be moved up a little. Like I said, you grab me with “So far,” but that’s not until the end of the fourth paragraph (in fact, I think that specific sentence would make a wonderful opening line!). I think you probably have more backstory/narrative detail in these first 250 words than is necessary, and if that’s the case with some rearranging you could open the story much closer to the onset of action.
There are a couple places I think would benefit from rewording. For example “Since her parents refused to give her a horse due to her running off,” reads a bit awkwardly to me. And though we learn that she’s been “sneaking out” every chance she gets in the next paragraph, her “running off” is ambiguous when it’s first introduced: a one-time drama? A regular activity? I get the sense that Cassandra’s “running off” and “sneaking out” are the same, but I think this could be clarified.
Looks like the beginning of a great MG adventure story. All the best with it!
I like the idea of starting with the MC and her friends on horseback, about to go on an adventure, but I must admit a lot of this felt overwritten to me. For example: "Since her parents refused to give her a horse due to her running off, she was forced to steal from the pages". At this point, I think it would create more intrigue to just leave that out. We don't need to know exactly why her parents won't let her have a horse - it's enough to know that she's stolen the horse, but plans on giving it back.
ReplyDeleteSame goes for "Ever since the three of them had decided to see all of the creatures in her bestiary up close, they had been sneaking out of Sun Haven every chance they could." That seems quite wordy. It's telling us, not showing.
One last nit-picky point -- when Vance said "Our workhorse has to carry two of us", that felt a bit off - why does he specify that it's a workhorse? He can just say "horse".
With a bit of tweaking, though, I think this will be a really fun beginning.
This is a nice opening. The reader gets character and setting and a hint of a forbidden adventure. I felt "Since her parents refused to give her a horse due to her running off..." was a bit awkward. You could leave off the "running off". At this point we don't have to know why she doesn't have a horse. The third to last line, "Today was far too glorious a day to be sad." took me out a bit because nothing in the first part of the story made me think she was feeling sad. Overall, very fun.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of sneaking out to see beasts, it's exactly the type of thing fantasyland kids would do.
ReplyDeleteEHayes made some great points about overwriting. Sometimes it's not what you put on the page, but what you leave out that makes all the difference.
Like others said, the fourth paragraph is were things pick up. I also wondered if you could move that closer to the beginning. Maybe something like:
She stopped her horse. "Come on, Kylie, Vance! Or we'll never see a !"
That being said, I'd definitely read on and wish you the very best.
Hmmm. This all feels too pat to me. Too nice. Trees are flowering, the sister is giggling. Of course her friends can't keep up with her if they're riding double on a workhorse. The mc is appropriately perky. I like the idea of a hunt for magical creatures - I don't think they'll find anything with all this shouting and thundering around. Perhaps it could be a bit more conspiratirial? The personalities a bit more grounded?
ReplyDeleteCareful not to saturate your prose with adjectives. Do we need "green," "budding," and "sparse"? I think "thundered along the green path" is evocative enough of a horse moving quickly through a forrest.
ReplyDelete"due to her running off" reads awkwardly and is a bit confusing. Do her parents refuse to give her a horse because she might run off? Or are they punishing her for running off in the past?
I like the image of the river being wild like Cassandra, but I don't see how the term "desperate" can apply to a river, even in this context.
Small language quibbles aside, I'm very picky about fantasy, and tend to prefer the darker stuff. This is a subjective thing, but the tone here feels a bit too sunshiny for my tastes.
I think MG girls will like this a lot and you set up the scene and characters well, but I agree, they're never going to find any beasts with all the whooping and galloping.
ReplyDeleteSounds like "whoop" and "tsk" should be italicized.
Don't need "Her friends never could keep up with her."
The 4th paragraph is too telly.
I'd name the bestiary book up front to make sure readers know what a bestiary is. Have fun with it. (Kids will go right to the library to see if they have it!) "Ever since they'd made a pact to FIND all the creatures in 'Bertrams' Beastiary: A Compendia of Magical Creatures', they'd been sneaking out every chance they could. So far, they hadn't seen any."
Don't need "and she stared down at the Falls": Abruptly, the forest ended and she pulled back on the reins. Put it in the next sentence. (See next comment)
"flowed forward as it churned" seems reversed, but I get what you're trying to do. Maybe: Below, the teal water of The Falls churned through the narrow gorge, seeming desperate to escape. Like her. Confined by duty, but restless for adventure.
Use an exclamation mark if someone shouts.
I didn't get who said "Hurry, Vance" or why.