TITLE: Waking the Dragon
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
She never should have told him what happened that night just before Christmas. Rhianna's mouth was always the source of her troubles.
She only said she'd seen her mom in her room, sitting on the edge of the bed. She was alive again, and all her hair had grown back. Rhianna could feel the weight and warmth of her body on the mattress beside her, could even smell her shampoo.
“Mom?” Rhianna had tried to wrap her arms around her, but her mother was insubstantial, like fog.
“Honey, it's coming,” Gwen Chapman had said. “Be careful.” Then the lines of her face had dissolved into what looked like a thousand tiny tadpoles, wriggling away into the shadows. Only the lingering trace of jasmine proved she had been there. Rhianna could almost see it, her scent, like an afterimage hanging in the air.
Her mistake had been telling her dad. She hadn't even breathed a word about her mom's warning. The words had dried up in Rhianna's mouth when she saw the way he was looking at her. Suspicious. Afraid.
For days afterward, she'd wondered what he would do, had sensed some decision was in the works, could almost hear the weighing and measuring going on in his head. And then, The Incident at School, and the school counselor's determination that she was Officially At-Risk, had apparently been the last straw.
Today is a Saturday, the beginning of winter break, and Rhianna sits in her bedroom reading Watership Down.
There are a lot of enviable lines in this story. I was particularly taken with "Then the lines of her face had dissolved into what looked like a thousand tiny tadpoles, wriggling away into the shadows."
ReplyDeleteThat said, the transition between the last two paragraphs is jolting. The last sentence of this offering seems so weak and flaccid compared to lines like "...could almost hear the weighing and measuring going on in his head."
Perhaps the change is meaningful in a way that is not clear based on this small sample, but if not then you might take a another look at it.
I love this piece. It is SO LOVELY. I would definitely want to read more.
I have to agree that the ending throws this piece off of where it seems to be headed. Until that point, I was hooked by her appearing to see her dead mother and the consequence of letting her father know.
ReplyDeleteNice catchy opening and I love the title.
ReplyDelete“Honey, it's coming,” Gwen Chapman had said.
Rather than call her Gwen Chapman, I would suggest to call her Mom. That’s who she is to Rhianna.
“Rhianna could almost see it, her scent, like an afterimage hanging in the air.”
I’m not sure about seeing her scent. You might just want to snip “her scent” from that sentence.
“And then, The Incident at School, and the school counselor's determination that she was Officially At-Risk, had apparently been the last straw.”
Is the capitalization of The, Incident, and School intentional? If it was that big a deal, then perhaps we should see it rather than hear about it.
While I really like the opening, it feels a little bit like backstory. Could we start at The Incident (showing it)?
“Today is a Saturday, the beginning of winter break, and Rhianna sits in her bedroom reading Watership Down.”
The last sentence really threw me. We moved from past tense to present. It only serves to make the rest of the opening feel even more like backstory.
I really liked the writing. My favorite line was “Then the lines of her face had dissolved into what looked like a thousand tiny tadpoles, wriggling away into the shadows.”
You’ve got the start of a really intriguing story, but a really interesting decision on where to start it.
I think you may be starting in the right place at the wrong time. What I mean is, why is the visit from her mother so far in the past? Why not back up and start the story at the point the MC tells her father? Then show us The Incident at School and finally Saturday.
ReplyDeleteI find this beginning a little roundabout, which makes it a little confusing and therefore not grounding the reader. It’s unclear if the “he” referred to in the first sentence is the dad later on. The full name drop Gwen Chapman threw me. I imagine that’s the mother, but prior to that she’d just be referred to as her mother.
ReplyDeleteThe second-to-last paragraph gets a little confusing with a few details we know nothing about tossed together—i.e., what the dad is weighing in his mind, the Incident at the School, and the Officially At-Risk thing.
And the last paragraph feels stuck in there with no transition and is in present tense versus the rest of the piece’s past tense. I suspect either you’re starting in the wrong place or are trying to drop in so many obscure details to try to make the reader curious, but for this reader, I am honestly just confused. I hope my feedback helps, though, and good luck with revisions.
I really, really liked this. Incidentally, I have something similar happen in a short story I started once upon a time, so I really liked the concept here. But the tense change in the final paragraph really jarred me. I think Jen is onto something with her right place, wrong time idea.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the right place, wrong time comment. As written, the story starts with the last sentence and everything before that is back story. However, if you write the beginning as though it is happening at that moment - place her in a room with her father and show her telling him about her Mom's ghostly visit - Or even start with the ghostly visit - then it becomes relevant instead of backstory.
ReplyDeleteAs is, you're trying to fill the reader in before the story starts. If we need to know this info in order to understand the story, then just start with this info - in real time.
And since this is Rhiannon's POV, she should be 'she,' or 'her.' She wouldn't think of herself as Rhiannon.
Another advocate for right place, wrong time.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell us about the past. Show her mother visiting in the present.
Interesting story. But I'm with the backstory crowd. When I get to the last line, I hit the brakes. She's not in her room reading. She's in her room regretting that she revealed a scene from weeks or months before. (I love the scene with her mom, though. It works for me.)
ReplyDelete