TITLE: YA
GENRE: SECRET
The boat approached from the west. Lelya watched as it drifted across the water in the dark of a new moon. Tonight was the eve of the first cycle; new students always arrived the day after the summer harvest. The Abled students aboard made up the Nu class. Tomorrow they would begin their thirteen-year training at the Academy on the island of Koliada.
Attending the Academy wasn’t so much a privilege as a sentence from society. Abled children were feared by society. During the familiar inquisition, the Sapient had decided that the Abled were a danger to the rest of Maran kind. There had always been precautions taken with those gifted with magic, but following the brutality of the inquisition it was not safe for caster students to be in the mainstream.
It was tradition for the boat to arrive at night; it was symbolic of the lunar source of their power.
Fantasy! The first paragraph was a wonderful set-up from the main character's name, to the place names, complemented by the language. I'm hooked! Until we get to the second paragraph. The first sentence of this is great too, but then I feel like everything that follows is an info dump. Too much too soon. I would love to see this continue with how Lelya feels about watching the boat. Is she jealous she's not on it? Is she glad she's not on it? What does she think of the Abled? We can find out about the Sapient and the casters and all that in following pages. But all in all, a great start!
ReplyDeleteThis is very clear. Fantasy. I agree with the previous comment in that there is some info dumping here. Perhaps try to sprinkle this info throughout the scene and focus the first good chunk to your character's voice and actions. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteFantasy for sure. Hinted at in the first two sentences, clear in less than three. All of the names are very relevant to the genre, though I agree with the other posts that it might be a little too much too soon.
ReplyDeleteAs a mini-edit, you doubled up on the word "society" in paragraph two. It sticks out a little. Also curious about the "familiar inquisition." Seems like it should be capitalized, at least when you mention it the first time.
And - this is a compliment - with all the the new moon magic and water references, I immediately thought it might be some sort of water bending tribe!
Fantasy!
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph sets it up beautifully. I agree with the other commenters that the second paragraph is too bogged down with details.
Fantasy--
ReplyDeleteI really like the clues here, woven throughout the description. The names are indicative of another world/culture, as well. Nicely done!
Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe only action in this is "Layla watched" which is barely an action in itself. Try to weave your backstory into your action. Give your character a reason to think about the history. Don't just dump it (excuse the term) on the page.
Good luck!
Holly
Fantasty. I agree with the previous posts - there is no action and a lot of info dump. I wouldn't be hooked with this opening. Maybe some insight into why she cares about this boat would help.
ReplyDeleteFANTASY
ReplyDeleteBased on the unique names, places, and the mention of the Academy.
Scifi or fantasy. Good working in of details, not dumping them.
ReplyDeleteDystopian. Can't tell if it's past or future, but that's okay.
ReplyDeleteFantasy.
ReplyDeleteAll the details.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteAll the elements are there. Magic, names, culture.
Fantasy/magic. Pretty clear what is happening here: a variation on Hogwart and it's students. Good luck, Sara.
ReplyDeleteFantasy -- because of the names, word choices and set-up.
ReplyDeleteFANTASY
ReplyDeleteBecause I have no idea about this world or what is happening lol
Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteChildren gifted with magic arrive at a special school.
Fantasy. I immediately thought of Harry Potter: the scene with Hagrid as they leave the island, and the first years traveling to Hogwarts. The "not safe for caster students to be in the mainstream" part is also a very strong echo of Harry.
ReplyDeleteI suggest on re-writing your opening to focus on what's unique to your story.
Fantasy Dystopian
ReplyDeleteThe Sapient has decided Abled children were a danger, so Lelya is being shipped away. These suggest dystopian, but with a magic element: Abled children means they are gifted with magic.
high fantasy
ReplyDeleteLots of unknown wordage.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteI was hooked with this, but felt there was a bit of an information dump when it came to all the names and language of the world.
Fantasy. With the Abled children.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking fantasy.
ReplyDeleteAbled children, importance of lunar cycle. I like it so far.
And add another fantasy to the pile!
ReplyDeleteFANTASY
ReplyDeleteI'm totally hooked by this world, but I feel like there are way too many foreign terms dropped in the first two paragraphs. I think you need to draw the reader into the weirdness more slowly than that.
Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI would have guessed Science Fiction from the references to abled children and training at an academy, but the magic powered by the moon suggests fantasy more strongly.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteBecause lunar magic. However Maran kind might be aliens, which would take us to SF. Other terms have that kind of vibe, too.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteSchool for the magically gifted.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteWell, all of it! Good job.
Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteMoon, cycle, summer harvest, and invented island, magic.
FANTASY (DYSTOPIAN FANTASY)
ReplyDeleteLots of unusual words and names, but I clued in right away with "the eve of the first cycle," because this sort of language, which suggests powerful natural forces and a culture attendant enough to them to divide time this way (cycles reiterate the sense the moon is important, eve vs day, etc.) has a fantasy flavor.
The dystopian flavor came from different parts of society being labeled and assigned specific roles/fates/punishments. Also, language like "were feared by society," which emphasized ppl being divided into blocs/tribes/whatever, combined with "the Sapient had decided" also said dystopian to me.
Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe details were reading scifi at first. But 'gifted with magic' took it right to fantasy.
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteThe first cycle, the summer harvest, kids with magic.
FANTASY
ReplyDeleteClearly. Lots of unfamiliar terms that seem to relate to magic and special abilities. (All the jargon was a little overwhelming for me. Maybe it could be toned down.)
Fantasy
ReplyDeleteI was going to say Dystopian, but then it mentioned magic. It seems other-world? maybe. It could be future, I guess... some of the words are reminiscent of this culture: Abled, inquisition, sapient, mainstream.... but all the other words seem foreign.
FANTASY
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your time and guesses! :-)