TITLE: Hunting Legends
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Midnight-ish in the forest: Raid and Azrielle have just escaped a pack of arachne (pony-sized spiders) that attacked the school. Raid has no idea he is falling for the enemy sent undercover to sabotage his team of monster hunters. Azrielle's under orders to use his affections against him, except she's struggling to let him get close because her feelings for him aren't pretend anymore.
“Are you okay?” I ask, voice hushed. The rush of adrenaline pumps through my veins, my pulse racing. She nods, still holding onto the AR-15. I lift the gun out of her grasp, and switch the safety on before leaning it against the motorcycle.
Her braid is messy, chunks of hair pulling loose. The urge to tunnel my fingers through her hair overwhelms me. Her legs straddle me overtop my own, my hands resting on her bare thighs near the edge of her skirt. The smooth skin is hot beneath my palms. I should remove my hands, but they’re locked in place, holding onto her with a vice grip.
Her lips part and all I can think about is pressing my mouth to hers. Want and need meld into a consuming desire. She shrugs out of the jacket and says something but I don’t hear a word.
“May I kiss you?” My voice is low and husky, though I don’t intend it. I don’t know why I asked.
The answer I expect is no and I need to respect that for whatever reason, she won’t give into the magnetic pull between us.
“Yes,” she says breathless.
A shock wave rolls through me, rendering me useless for several seconds. Then my arm locks around her back, pulling her into me.
I tilt my head and lower my lips to hers.
She’s warm like sunlight and kissing her is like tasting the first day of summer. Her lithe body leans into me harder and my blood ignites, veins laced with fire, heat coiling in my stomach. I release her leg to cup her face, fingertips stroking her soft hair. She sighs into me, scattering a buzz of euphoria through every nerve in my body.
I could soak in this moment with her forever.
Love this! I was totally sucked into the scene. The only suggestion I have is for this part: "Her legs straddle me overtop my own"--I thought the wording was a little awkward. Maybe change to 'Her legs straddle my lap' or 'As I sit on the motorcycle (or wherever), her legs straddle me'. I have a feeling that the scene before sets this up, but I wasn't quite sure where he was sitting or why she would be straddling him. But very nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the physical aspects he notices about her, like her hair. The specific wording of her legs straddling his and her bare thigh are very sexy. The heat level is pretty high which feels right for UF while not at all inappropriate for YA. I like his internal thoughts throughout to keep the reader grounded in his perspective. When he says he doesn't know why he asked I was not sure if that meant he usually takes what he wants without asking or if he thought it was pointless because she would say no. It could be taken either way, but although my initial thought was the first case, the next line seems to clarify that it is the second. You might connect the thoughts: I don't know why I asked when I already expect the answer to be no. The comparison to sunlight is one I have read before in several books, not that I do not like it. The last line is a nice, poignant note.
ReplyDeleteStunning! Your writing reminded me a bit of Nelson DeMille's Gold Coast - lots of hot tension. Well done! More please.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It has a good build up and the little details really drew me in.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that pulled me out of the story was that he locks his arm around her back. I don't think one arm can lock around her back unless he is really big and she is really small. I miss read it and thought it said arms, so when he moved his arm from her leg to cup her face I imagined he had three arms. It made me go back and reread it, not something you want your reader to do in a passionate scene.
Definite heat! I liked the specifics and that final paragraph about her warmth and what she tasted like was lovely. I agree, its got enough va-va-voom for YA without being too much. Nicely done.
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