GENRE: YA Contemporary
Devin stares at me intensely, with an
expression I can’t read. He shifts beside me on the bench and his thigh brushes
against mine, sending a tingling sensation coursing through me.
Jill (who’s an expert with this stuff)
told me you can tell a guy is going to make a move when he looks at you for a
long time and lifts his eyebrows, like he has a question.
There it is. A slight raise of his
eyebrows.
“Nomi,” he says, in a raspy voice. “You know I’m into you,
don’t you?”
I tug at a thread hanging from my cut-off
shorts. “Then why do you always seem so mad?”
He grabs my hand and pulls it into his
lap. His jeans are damp with sweat. “It’s hard to see you with Tim.” He turns
toward me and grips my chin. “Because I
like you.”
He arches forward until our faces are inches
apart, daring me to give in. I want to say, “What about Lydia?” but the words
won’t come out. My body won’t let them. I don’t know if it’s the vodka or the
fact that I’ve always been itching for this to happen—my mouth feels like it’s
being pulled towards his. I kiss him. He moans and presses his lips hard
against mine. I lean into him and my entire body relaxes. Shock waves shoot
through me and everything inside of me feels like it’s waking up.
It’s going to kill me when he pulls away.
I like this and I think it works really well for the most part. One little nitpicky thing though: at the end you say, "my entire body relaxes" but then "shock waves shoot through me and everything inside of me feels like it's waking up" This seems a bit contradictory. But other than that, I thought it was great!
ReplyDeleteThank you for noticing that! That's a really good point. I'm going to remove the relaxed line.
DeleteI really like this especially the part about Jill, feels very natural. Everything about this is really realistic, and feels very natural. My only thing is the part "he turns toward me and grips my chin" I don't know if you mean for it to be a little violent but the word choice of "grips" feels a little violent to me. Loved this though!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. He is going to be a very controlling boyfriend but maybe it's a bit early in the novel for that to come out. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it :)
DeleteI like the push and pull between her thoughts about this other girl he obviously has ties to and her physical reactions. In the line about the vodka, I love how the em-dash gives us the feel of how she's trying to think things through but her reactions are just jumping in and taking over. The last line is a killer one.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments, Sarah. :) I appreciate that you think the things I was trying to convey came across. :)
DeleteI really like your lead-in! It kept me reading and I was not disappointed! The only thing I didn't really care for was - He grabs my hand and pulls it into his lap. His jeans are damp with sweat.
ReplyDeleteAll I could think was ewwwww.
Thank you, Chris. Hahaha about the sweat line. You're right. I thought it would show he's anticipating something happening but it is a bit gross now I think about it.
DeleteI got caught up in the difference between the actions and the dialogue: the dialogue says "younger YA" to me, where the actions (especially pulling her hand into his lap & the vodka line) says "older YA".
ReplyDeleteI really like the "eyebrow move", and as Sarah said, the last line's golden.
Thanks for your comments. I reread it and I totally see what you mean with the way it reads and I think I'm going to change he dialogue slightly so it doesn't seem so young. I appreciate you pointing that out. :)
DeleteI love the voice of this, very immersive. The side-comment about Jill within the parentheses did jar me a little. It bordered on breaking the fourth wall, and I’m not sure the information was necessary, it's also telling. The rest of that line is gold and I like how she looks for the cue rather than interpreting it afterward. Although, I did wonder why she thought to look for it, given in the first paragraph that she couldn’t read his expression. She must have had some sort of inkling, or was it the tingling brushing of the thighs?
ReplyDeleteThis pulled me in and I felt the zing, but he did seem a bit too aggressive and not in a good way. The grabbing her hands and chin seemed rougher than necessary. He’s being forceful in a way that makes me wary and I’m wondering why she’s tolerating it. This reads like he was going to kiss her whether she was okay with it or not. I guess I’m super conflicted, because she wants this to happen and I feel like I’m supposed to root for it, but that one paragraph throws me and makes it hard. Maybe somehow soften his touch or make it smoother. Specifically, it’s “grabs” and “grips” that’s tripping me. Super nit-picky of me, but everything else is there and I want so much to like this moment as much she does. Also, the damp jeans are gross, and kills the build-up, sweat like that isn’t sexy. Only way wet jeans would work here is if he’d gone swimming with his pants on (accidentally or on purpose) or been caught in a downpour prior to this moment.
Thank you so much for your detailed comments. I laughed out loud about the sweat part. I was going for sexy but yes...it didn't work and I see that now. I'm going to fix that bit. Thank you also for the lines about the agressive descriptive words. I'm going to tone that down. He's going to be controlling later but I don't think it should come out this earlier because as you said, then the reader will never root for them to be together and I want them to at first. Thank you for all of your help here.
DeleteThe kiss itself is good, with just the right amount of heat and not overly descriptive. I feel like the last line is a bit over the top, but that's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I'm supposed to like these characters. With just this small snippet to read, I'm not sure I'd root for either of them, but hopefully by this point in the story the reader wants them to get together despite them both being in relationships with other people.
Also, I agree that sweaty jeans are not sexy, and 'grips' and 'grabs' might be too strong for this guy unless he's supposed to be forceful.
Thank you for your comments, Katy. I appreciate them and I'm going to use what you said to help me in my edits. I want them to be likeable at this point and for Devin to seem a bit intense but not forceful yet.
DeleteI like “it’s going to kill me when he pulls away.” It captures how intensely she feels this. I don’t “believe” his jeans are damp with sweat. It’s an idea that just doesn’t sound true. Of course this doesn’t matter but I think it distracts from the scene. Instead of visualizing the kiss I’m trying to think if my jeans have ever felt damp (to someone else) with sweat.)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments, Kirsten. I appreciate them and I am definitely going to remove the sweaty jeans description when I edit this.
DeleteI had the same reaction to his sweaty jeans, and grabs and grips, as everyone else.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I don't really believe she wants him. You described him and his actions so well, I get the type of person he is, as well as how much he wants her. But she comes off as a bit bland. She says things that say she wants him, but it's just words. I'm not seeing or feeling her emotions. Perhaps we need her to react to his actions. I think that's what's missing.
Thank you, Barbara. I see what you're saying here and that will be helpful to me when I edit this scene.
ReplyDelete