TITLE: The Serenity File
GENRE: Adult Urban fantasy
Note: Michael is an empath who just rescued Serenity from a bad date
Michael stepped farther into the apartment, pulling Serenity with him, his arm around her waist, clearing a path to the door. Her emotions were a mixture of annoyance, amusement, a bit of relief, and something she was actively suppressing. Michael absently ran his finger down her arm and felt a wave of desire wash over him, through him. He kept his face neutral as the guy--Roy--walked past them and out the door. Serenity pushed the door closed behind him and sighed. Michael turned to face her, lifted her up, pressed her against the wall and kissed her long and slow. She kissed him back, brushing her tongue against his lips demanding more. He held nothing back from the kiss, giving her everything she asked for. Her emotions mixed with his, encouraging him to go on, denying him nothing. One arm wrapped around her, he ran his other hand down her arm, along her hip and across her thigh. Silk. The dress is silk. He broke the kiss, breathless. Oh God help me.
Okay. I have a few suggestions. First I'm not sure if something went wrong with posting this or you actually do have it as all one paragraph if that's the case that needs to be fixed. This should be at least three different paragraphs. Maybe more. It's hard to tell because of the head jumping which is my next thing. You switch back and forth between the povs, jumping heads which is so annoying when reading. I'm not trying to be harsh but when you go from his head to hers every other sentence it doesn't flow and makes it a chore to read so I suggest sticking to just one at a time. Also I was kind of confused by what exactly is going on to be honest. Where exactly are they? If Serinity and Roy are on a date in the apartment why is Michael pulling Serinity in with him in the first sentence? As for the kiss itself, in my opinion, it needs more build up. It's all good and great if you want it to be wild and passionate but at least give the reader a little build up. A moment of tension as they stare at each other before Michael surges forward.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of how an empath reacts to kissing makes this scene interesting. It seems like most of the feelings are actually hers although we are in his perspective. I'm not really sure what he is actually feeling and only get a hint at the end. I'm sure in context the silk dress is more meaningful. It clearly causes a reaction in him that leaves me with an overwhelmed impression of feeling helpless to his strong emotion/desires.
ReplyDeleteNow THAT'S a kiss! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI really like the way he responds to the silk, like it’s “his button.” The first sentence is from Michael’s point of view, the 2nd was from hers, the 3rd from his.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was too generic. You tell us he kissed her, but you don't say how. You say he held nothing back, but don't tell us what he did. You say he gave her everything she asked for. What did she ask for? What did he give her? Details. That's what's missing. That's what will bring this to life.
ReplyDeleteNice job. For me, this had a bit of a telling, not showing feel to it. You tell us her emotions--like annoyance, amusement, relief. But I'd rather "see" those things in some physical reactions. Show us how she felt amusement, etc. Did she smile? Shoulders dropped with relief? How did she "encourage him to go on?" You have great building blocks here for a fantastic kiss and I want to see the details, not get the play-by-play. Being an empath is interesting because I'm assuming he can tell what she is feeling, but I think as a reader, I wanted to see it too. What was the point of the guy Roy interrupting them? Do they know him? The sigh she gives makes me think he often interrupts.
ReplyDeleteI loved the part about the silk dress "God help me" is great!
Great kiss scene! The heat is there.
Nice job. I had no trouble with the different view points as it's stated at the top that the guy is an empath--he's feeling what she feels, it's not head hoping as we're not really in her head--HE'S in her head. Definitely a high heat moment!
ReplyDeleteLOL- sorry for the typos, that's what I get for using my phone ;).
DeleteI found the first sentence confusing. There's four pieces of action, all spliced together. They step further in, but he's clearing path? To what door?
ReplyDeleteI also think there's a lot going on with her emotional state in that those disparate feelings don't fit well together on equal footing. She can feel those things, but maybe provide some roadmap for them. This would allow the reader to understand how the empath power works as well. Focus on a primary feeling, then carefully augment it. Describe the base emotion as the cake, and the other confusions around it as the icing. I think that would draw the reader into the empath's experience more.
The scene feels rushed. I don't feel situated in the space and I can't imagine how they are fixed within it. You need to expand the experience and slow down. First kisses are important and even if the characters are in a hurry, the reader rarely is!
I'm really intrigued by the empathic character!
thank you very much ..
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